Slow thinking
When it comes to talking with others, I’m often seen to be something of a slow thinker.
I’ll see the other person smile after saying something and look at me – they are expecting a response, but what sort of a response? Was it a joke they made? Were they looking for agreement on something? My brain will scramble and then often metaphorically shrug it’s shoulders. I don’t follow this up with a physical shrug – I’ve long since learnt that this isn’t an acceptable response. Instead I’ll use a tried-and-tested store-cupboard stock response of, ‘Heh, yeah!’.
This is a highly refined response from me, and has been carefully honed over the years to try and covey many messages at once in an ambiguous way. It has a little humour in it, in case what you were saying was actually a joke. It has a positive response in it too, so that if it wasn’t something funny, I’ve indicated that I acknowledge what you were saying. It works a surprisingly large amount of the time.
And then it comes, eventually – I’ve decoded what you were saying to me, and I suddenly see the joke, or why you were wanting some agreement from me. Occasionally of course I’ll eventually see that my response wasn’t very appropriate. Oh dear, but then again, you can’t win all the time.
Why do I miss the intent of what people are saying to me in the first place? Well there are a number of competing Aspie traits at play, and they often collude together.
Firstly, there is my lack of social intuition. I do have some sometimes, but it isn’t enough to get me by most of the time. With little by the way of social intuition to help a conversation flow, I have to real-time process what is being said to me, and then try and figure what to say next. This consumes a lot of brain power, and concentration, leaving me little room for anything else going on in my head. Sometimes the responses are easier to come by than others. But put me in a situation where I know little about the subject matter, and I very very easily get lost, especially if it’s more than a 2-way conversation.
Think of it as having a meeting where the other people speak in a foreign language that you don’t fully understand. You have to listen very hard to catch what is being said, and then spend a little time processing what was said to turn it into English, before what they’ve said makes sense. My lack of social intuition presents itself in much the same way but when everyone is speaking in English.
Then there is my lack of reading non-verbal social cues. Because I concentrate on what’s said, and don’t see the body language or facial expressions very much, I miss much of the subtlety that people often convey whilst they speak. This makes the decision making regarding what people are saying even harder at times.
The third main trait at play is strongly related to the other two, and is that I easily get sensory overload in social situations. The amount of time this takes varies, but you can be sure that a multi-person face-to-face meeting will cause it remarkably quickly. Once I’m overloaded, my body involuntarily starts to shut itself down, to shield me from the constant input. This feeling is one of blankness. I feel to have withdrawn inside myself, and the voices become distant echos. My eyes blur and I kind of switch off. This, of course means that I miss a fair bit of what’s being said, and that means that the impact of the other traits gets magnified hugely.
With all of these traits at play, it’s not surprising that I often find verbal communication, be it social or work meetings, to be very hard going. It’s also not surprising that I can be perceived to be slow of thought, and disinterested.
At work, at least, I tend to get away with this, because I come back with well though out responses to things after the event, and people respect me for doing this. I seem to have a well-honed ability to reply recent events and from this work through peoples thoughts and intentions before drawing my own conclusions. It’s rumination, but it works very well for me. Whilst I may not have good instant answers for anyone, I do at least have well thought out follow-ups.
You could conclude that this article is about mental agility, and my lack of it. However it’s more subtle than that. I don’t have great mental agility in group verbal communication scenarios, but I do when it comes to rumination or philosophising. This is signalling parallels to me regarding this article I wrote last week, where I said that I don’t appear to others to not have much common sense, but really it’s just a case that I can’t express it when I need to. Maybe that article and this simply describe different facets of the same issue.
As ever, what this article really says is that I’m different from the norm, but perhaps in ways that aren’t what you first think. I have skills that are very typical of any intelligent person – I can reason arguments, suggest ways forward and make rational decisions. I just can’t access these results in the same sorts of timescales that typical people can.
I’m not slow-minded, I just can’t respond in a way that meets your neuro-typical expectations.
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14 Comments to “Slow thinking”
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“Intuitive Social Situations Demystified”
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt97430.html
A quote from one of the posts in this thread:-
“One of the things that thoroughly confuses me is trying to detect what’s actually going on in a normal conversation. I find it like watching a soccer game if I couldn’t see the ball. Like a bunch of people seemingly running around at random, obviously doing something, but I have no idea what.”
I met a guy who I have been trying to figure out how to communicate with. He appears to do what you are doing. I think I overwhelm him with the pace of my conversation. I don’t mean to do this and don’t know how to adjust to a style that works for him. He tends to say things to me like “let me think about it” and then we never talk about it again. So I am wondering if you could give me advice about the best way to allow space and room for him to think and process. Should I ask him to revisit some old questions or let him come back to me with responses. I just don’t know what he needs from my end of the conversation. Any advice?
Hi cynsurf,
I think I can offer a few bits of advice that might help.
You don’t mention what sort of information you are seeking from this chap, but if it is feeling based in any way, that might be why you are drawing a blank.
I deal far better with topics that involve feelings (or woolly concepts for that matter) if I communicate in writing.
I often know how I feel about something, but won’t be able to put it into verbal words very well. When this happens I tend to stay quiet.
Written words are much easier for me express what I want to say. Also, I often don’t fully appreciate how I feel about something until I try to write about it. It’s like I can see the shadow cast by the feeling, but not the feeling itself.
If the things you are looking for answers about can be written about, then why not send him an email?
You might not get a quick reply, but I think you are more likely to get some sort of reply. After all, not only does this give the chap time to think about his response, he also gets to re-read what you’ve written several times to assure himself that he is making the right assumptions about what you are trying to say.
If it has to be discussed verbally, then I wouldn’t be afraid of going back and attempting to tackle a previously discussed but unresolved topic. If he really doesn’t want to cover it verbally, it should be obvious once you have brought the subject up once more. If that happens, I don’t think you’ll get your answers verbally, but you won’t know if you don’t try.
Hope this helps,
James
Thanks. I have tried email. He tends to write short email that are not necessarily responsive to the subject. He often writes very polite responses like he is saying what his mother taught him rather than what he is really thinking or feeling. And when the email requires a more in depth response he wants to talk about it in person rather than write it out. My first response is he just doesn’t want to talk about things, but he is willing to spend time with me, hanging out about once a week. He will happily talk about theories and information, but not about what I would define as anything “oersonal.” It’s like I can’t connect with him and I can’t put my finger on exactly why. I like the email idea. Maybe it is just a difficult process to put his feelings into words and therefore he is avoiding it. And I don’t know if it is fair of me to demand it of him. He should not have to communicate “my way.” I just wish I knew how to do it “his way.”
cynsurf,
How wonderfully open-minded and understanding you are. I’m not at all surprised your friend values his time with you.
Try not to be too disheartened if he finds it difficult to open up to you. As you say, it is quite likely that he just finds it difficult to express his feelings.
Theories and information often equal special interests to those with ASDs, and you probably shouldn’t be surprised that he can talk about these until the cows come home. I could too, about my own special interests.
I don’t know how long you’ve known this guy or how well you know each other, but clearly that too can have a bearing on how easily he finds it to divulge emotional info. Maybe you just need a little more time spent together before he finds he can more easily open up. Remember that social interaction can be a mine field to those with ASDs, whilst you might consider it to be very straight forward.
Try and be patient. If you stay as understanding as you sound on these comments, I suspect he’ll open up to you in time. I still think he’s more likely to open up in writing first. But then again, that’s what I do, and not everyone with an ASD reacts in the same way.
Hope this helps,
James
Thanks for your comments. This dialogue and in fact this entire blog is really insightful. I was totally unaware of what it was like to have AS. My brother is reading a book about how we all fit on the Autism spectrum in some ways. Not only has this been helpful for me to understand my friend more, but I think my son has some of these characteristics as well. He is 12 years old and it has always been hard for him to communicate his feelings. I have worked with him since he was a little boy to try to express his feelings more. Now, at 12, he is probably about average for a boy in expressing his feelings. He does not pick up on social cues in real time at all – and his sister and I are especially adept at this. So we often tell him what we observe and I think that has helped him during the years. But one thing that I have always strived to do for him is to make him feel good about who he and be honest about his strength and weaknesses. I am a Christian, and I always tell him he was perfectly created by God and if he doesn’t have certain skills then that is OK. He is a different and unique kid and that is just how he was meant to be. I think that he is content even happy with who he is – even if he is different.
I think that this same message applies to you as well James. You were “fearfully and wonderfully made.” We all have something that we are struggling with. You are very courageous to work on these issues. Your experiences and your willingness to share them are helping other people and that is awesome! Thanks for you advice!
Great article. Two tihngs come to my mind:
1. Whether or not, and how, to be better understood if this is the way things work for you
2. Maybe if more people took time to think before they speak, there would be less tension in the world. Rapid responses are valuable in some circumstances (like an emergency), but in many scenarios it is good to stop and think for some time.
This may sound strange but try to measure your short-term memory. I started exercises to increase capacity of my short-term memory. Fist thing I noticed is that I’m able to process more information while listening.
Thanks for your post.
I share most – if not all – of your difficulties and strengths.
Today I was just overwhelmed by my lack of responding quickly and adequately in all of my social interactions. At times like these (they happen very often) I feel like such an idiot when I know, given enough time, I would have given an answer that would have pleased myself and the others.
Of course, I don’t want to misdiagnose myself and call it Asperger’s Syndrome, but now I wonder.
It’s funny, I feel like I could have written this post!
I’m really glad i found your blog. That there are more people alike, with a similar cognition profile, is really nice to hear. Before i discovered AS, and attention deficit disorders, i just thought i was plain stupid.
PS.
Do you also have trouble with Trivial Pursuit?
DS.
Hi Jens,
Glad to hear that the things I experience are familiar to you. It really is comforting to find the hidden others like ourselves, when everyone you usually meet seems so different to yourself.
As regards Trivial Pursuit, well, I haven’t played it in maybe 15 years. ISTR that there were some subjects that I was OK at (Science and Nature, I suspect), but I was hopeless at Sport and the more artsy/media categories.
James
Thank you for writing this post. It’s comforting to know there are others out there like me.
I tend to reserve all intellectually stimulating conversations to e-mail because I’m incapable of formulating a coherent response in real-time conversation. This unfortunately makes it nearly impossible to befriend people with similar interests offline. For many years I believed I was stupid, and so did a lot of other people, including family members. These same family members eventually started talking to me in a medium I felt more comfortable in and realized for the first time that I was actually “very intelligent”… and “intimidatingly so”.
Hey guys, I have the same problem too, but I was wandering whether it had anything to do with computer games or have very little sleep? If you do any of those two please send an email to me about this at x4th@hotmail.com, because it mite be the cause of my problem
thanks alot guys,
Damien
I think that slow thinking is actually good. Disinterest isn’t a goal when communicating. What I’ve found exceedingly helpful, and plainly, ask questions. Fundamental questions that can be so basic. I’ve gathered in my time engaging in communication is finding a relation button. People like safe; therefore, they talk about weather. It is almost a sure zone you have something to say.
I can’t relate fully on a more than one-on-one conversation either. (No matter from chat or actually in person). I personally feel, if their happy with those conversations it allows me to think about my stuff. Especially on something I know nothing about. The beauty of it is: those questions still work. If you are intelligent, you’ll want to know more. When there are more people explaining it it becomes more sound. So, therein, you can just ask questions and learn. At least you are participating… they’ll appreciate it more. It shows effort.
If the conversation becomes redundant or merely repetitive it’s considered boring. Boring conversation have two possibilities: 1. Leave 2. take control
If you are forced into it with a job, disenchant it as only that – your job.
Faster isn’t smarter. Slow and steady wins the race.
In fact, can you empirically say you are “slow”? There is no relation to that definition. The only reason some people think fast, in my opinion, is in their expertise. When they step outside that, they have to slow down. You don’t speed through an unknown town.
I think, if you consider yourself aspie, is to just put your guard down (easier said than done). Ask unknown people things. You might never master it, but comfort universally is better than being comfortable then uncomfortable with each interaction.
My friend has Asperger’s and he’s who I thought before you mentioned “aspie”. He has narrow interests. (I think that’s the autistic way) Another comforting thing to know is that usually that interest, mainly academic subjects, Are highly merge-able. He likes programming which leads to math which leads to philosophy and it all interconnects. Collecting toy cars can go into engines to chemistry to biology. Puns can go into language rhetoric and logical fallacy. To master something it’s good to see it in other things. This leads back to asking questions in conversations. Relate as much as you can.
You are fine as you are. Just don’t limit yourself because you think what’s limiting you is really who you are. I try to disbelieve a lot of tripe out there sometimes. “ignorance is bliss” sometimes.