Having no-one to turn to
One of the biggest ways in which Asperger’s shows itself with me is my lack of friends. This has always been a problem for me, and I’ve spent most of my life in a situation where I’ve had either one or two good friends, or at times none. Over the years, I’ve come to terms with much of the loneliness that this brings me, but I would still dearly love to be able to hold onto good uncomplicated friendships – something that I find very difficult to do.
I understand many of the reasons why friends are important these days, and yet at this moment, aside from my wife, I really don’t have any good friends. Good is, of course, subjective. What I mean by good, is someone who I can be myself with 100% of the time, who I can be fully open with, and who I’d happily (and regularly) disappear down the pub with, or go out for a hike with, or, well, I’m sure you get the idea.
I’m in this predicament due to my own making. I last tinkered with trying to create a good friend maybe eighteen months ago, and failed. This didn’t come as a surprise, sadly. I find it very difficult to keep relationships going, and in that particular case I ultimately let it lapse after we went out for drinks a few times. In a way, letting people into my inner circle feels very overwhelming. I’m comfortable with my wife being in there most of the time, but with other people, I can see that I’m acting rather than being myself, and I guess I feel afraid to let others in to see who I really am.
So, what does someone like me do when for one reason or another, communications break down with the one person (i.e. my wife) who is within my inner circle? That’s a very good question, and not one that I have a very good answer for.
There have been a few times recently where, with raw emotions in full flow, I have felt I have no-one to turn to. That’s not a nice feeling at all.
My wife works very hard to understand and accept this monster of a condition which she wasn’t expecting to find hidden inside me. But I fully understand that this isn’t at all easy for her, and there are times when she can’t help me, and would just like the whole Asperger’s thing to go away.
This all makes me see how many people with Asperger’s lack any of the good friends that they need to help keep them make sense of the world. Continually turning the raw emotion and negative feelings inwards must cause a lot of damage and despair, and I feel very lucky that I don’t experience that very often.
Sometimes, I can turn to this blog to express some of the feelings that are causing me problems. But that doesn’t always work either – there are some things that I just won’t talk about here. Whilst you see me as I really am, there are some aspects that I simply don’t write about. That’s usually because for one reason or another it would be inappropriate for me to comment.
If you are one of the handful of regular visitors here who I know in some way other than just through comments, then I hope you don’t feel hurt by this posting. I do consider you as friends, and in lots of ways you do know the real me. None of you are physically located close to me, however, and you all have enough on your plate already without me offloading in your direction. Unfortunately these things rule you out of being a good friend by my own definition. I hope you understand what I mean.
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9 Responses to “Having no-one to turn to”
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eaucoin on September 17th, 2009 eaucoin(Quote)
Everybody feels lonely sometimes, whether they have Aspergers or not, whether they have friends or not. If friendship seems like a lot of work, then perhaps you’re not meant to have a lot of friends, and certainly maintaining an intimate relationship with a life partner and giving your attention to your children will require a fair bit of the time you would devote to friendship. This feeling of something being missing at times is common to all of us, not just those of us with Aspergers.
James on September 21st, 2009 James(Quote)
eaucoin,
Yes, you are right of course – everyone, regardless of their neurology feels loneliness from time to time.
I would argue, however, that those people with a sphere of good friends to turn too are better placed to deal with their loneliness. Their loneliness can often be banished via a simple call for a chat or a meet up for a drink.
Illnesses such as depression of course often contribute to feelings of isolation too, so of course it’s not just those with ASDs that can have the problem.
Whilst I’m sure that the spectrum of autism means that there are some with ASDs who have good spheres of friends, I’d wager that more often than NTs it’s those with ASDs that struggle with loneliness through lack of anyone to turn too.
Eileen on September 18th, 2009 Eileen(Quote)
I hear you from the deepest part of myself. I know what you are saying and I believe I completely understand and empathize.
It is exhausting to be consistent enough to maintain relationships. It takes a long, long time to feel at ease enough to be free, which makes it even more exhausting and disconcerting. While I know my partner accepts me 100%, there are plenty of times we aren’t in sync with each other or we are at odds with each other. If this happens when I am feeling particularly raw or worn or overwhelmed I have no one to talk to – I have no friends and you are right, those aren’t the things to blog about.
James on September 21st, 2009 James(Quote)
Eileen,
I hear you on this. It’s comforting to know that it isn’t just me, and I hope that you too can draw some comfort that you aren’t alone in this either.
Rachel on September 18th, 2009 Rachel(Quote)
Hi James,
I so understand what you’re talking about. I’ve felt a lot of grief over my lack of friends, particularly this summer. Last summer, I didn’t know I had AS, and I had all kinds of hopes and dreams about making friends in our new town. A year later, I realize that as much as people like and respect me, we don’t connect. It’s partly because we’ve got “incompatible software,” and it’s partly because talking is becoming more and more exhausting for me.
I haven’t seen your comments on any AS blogs for awhile, but I hope you’re still reading some of them. They help me with the aloneness a lot. Sometimes, I read and don’t have the energy for a response, but reading helps me no end. I’m coming to see that the friends I’m making online are good friends, and that writing is my natural way of communicating. It doesn’t drain me; in fact, it energizes and empowers me. The longing for local friends is still there, but I wonder how much of it is just part of an old dream I had about who I was “supposed to be.”
I’m realizing that for many autistic people, writing is the best medium of communication, and I am beginning to embrace it. There’s a reason I had 12 pen friends all over the world when I was a child–I just didn’t know what it was!
James on September 21st, 2009 James(Quote)
Hi Rachel,
I have been terrible at writing comments of late, even on my own blog. I had thirteen un-replied-to comments by this morning, and I’m working my way through them now.
Yes, I’m still reading other ASD blogs, indeed I’m reading more of them than I ever have before. I’m just not commenting very much. I should – there is often something I could say, but I only have so much time and energy available. Part of the problem is habit too – I’ve got out of the habit of commenting, and the thought of doing so doesn’t cross my mind very often. I think that might be part of the only having a tiny little cup for my working memory problem, or at least related to it at any rate.
Over the last couple of weeks, most of my writing energy has gone on blog posts, partly as a way to release pent up energy as I struggle with the prospect of diagnosis. This has been something of a deliberate focus, in an effort to stop me going off the rails. It seems to have worked.
Writing is definitely the medium of communication that I am most comfortable with. I like the fact that it isn’t instant. I can take my time and thus hopefully get across what I was trying to convey. Except, obviously, when I go off on a tangent…
Like you, until I discovered my autism, each new opportunity, like moving house or starting a new job was filled with the optimism that this time I’d manage what I’d not managed before – gaining a sphere of new friends and network of connections. I too mourn this, but do now see it as being entirely unrealistic. In some ways seeing that is a relief too.
Maybe I will try to reach out more to my online autistic friends. I love the mutual acceptance and understanding that wonderful people like you and the other kind people who comment here bring to my life.
James
AJ on September 26th, 2009 AJ(Quote)
I have a friend. He is someone who I used to work with 18 years ago. He will call me once a month or so and we will talk about work stuff (we do the same kind of work). I never call him. The calls are short and generally technical, nothing personal is usually discussed. There is a technical seminar once a year that we will car pool to.
About a year ago he started going through a divorce after twenty years of marriage. He reached out to me for support during this time. I tried to do my best to help him through the tough time he was having, but I don’t think that I did a very good job. I was not able to do whatever was needed to help him. During this time I had discovered my AS and told him about it trying to explain my actions (there were times I made myself difficult to get in contact with because I could not deal with the intensity our relationship was developing). He said he understood. That I have always been distant and stand-offish.
Now we are back to a phone call every month or so, and we will attend the technical seminar together next weekend.
That is the closest friend that I have ever had.
AJ
James on September 28th, 2009 James(Quote)
AJ,
Thank you for sharing. I feel truly humbled that you feel able to share that here. Truly.
Outside of long term relationships, I too would genuinely struggle to find friendships in my adulthood that had any more substance to them than the one you have mentioned. Most would have less – when I fail to keep up the dialogue with friends, they typically give up on me, rather than keeping things alive in the way your friend has done.
Long term personal relationships really are different than this for me. I feel a proper attachment and love for the other person, and do what I think are the right things to keep the relationship flourishing. Typically these aren’t the things my partner would expect nor unfortunately sometimes want. So whilst I often experience what I feel to be a wonderful relationship, my partner often feels unloved. Problematic, yes, but far less problematic than typical friendship relationships.
If you’d like to chat outside of the blog – and this goes for any of you who comment – please feel free to use the contact form on the blog (from the tab at the top), leaving a valid email address. I will then email you back, and we can correspond via email.
Jinny on November 2nd, 2009 Jinny(Quote)
i have self-diagnosed A-type Asperger’s. Mine isn’t particularly severe but i have trouble maintaining relationships. i never know what to talk about and small-talk, even just on principle, isn’t my thing. i like to know the crux of the person.
needless to say, this makes friendships awkward, its only with a lot of hard work and understanding that they are kept and i have only started gaining friends in my third year of highschool.
i have two close friends, and one only got close because she never heard the rumours about my sexual thoughts. a new girl.
i don’t know how to be there for my friends so i will tell them to be blunt, they must be blunt or i will not understand what they want me to do.