It always does.

My wife wanted to talk. Not a friendly talk, but one of those talks where she wants to vent her huge frustration with me. She’s very good at this, and whether she realises it or not, has a canny knack of vicious character assassination, in these often one sided arguments that run from when the kids go to bed to when we go to bed.

Argument is not one of my strong points. I’m not often quick thinking, and so argument directed at me is typically just absorbed, and I remain quiet much of the time, unable to think of a decent counter to use. This, of course makes things worse. It makes it look like I don’t care. Of course I care. I just can’t produce the necessary come back that my wife expects and wants.

Our argument last night left me not only feeling down and unloved, but also completely misunderstood, and a little suicidal.

I didn’t see it coming. I rarely do. This perplexes my wife, who thinks she is being very obviously ‘off’ with me for days before hand. But I don’t usually see it, and I didn’t see over the last few days.

My life since my diagnosis has thus far seemed pretty good. I’ve felt like I’ve been achieving things – like I’ve moved on a bit. Except, as I discovered in a flash of inspiration that I had independently of last night’s argument, I haven’t actually been moving forward and achieving things.

What’s been happening is this: My focus has moved in a series of very fixed directions. For focus here, you can read special interest if you prefer. As usual with special interests, I feel to have no control over the direction the special interest takes. I’ll go further than this, and make another point, that I think is especially important here – for the most part, I’ve not even been aware that what I have been doing is indulging a special interest. Seriously.

For the last three or four weeks, I’ve felt like I’m making great progress at work. A series of disjoint jobs that have needed tackling for months have started to pull together into a larger project that is finally sorting out a whole chunk of loose ends. I’ve said as much to colleagues, telling my boss and my wife just a few days ago how satisfying I was finding it that everything seems to be pulling together and things seem to be getting sorted out.

As I mentioned above, my general thoughts on this have simply been that I’ve moved forward, and managed to get on with things and be productive. But that is an illusion.

In reality, it is special interest all the way. And after eight solid hours of complete focus at work each day for several weeks, the cracks have started to show this week. I’ve grown progressively more tired over time, and in recent days I’ve become snappy at home, especially with the kids, and I’ve not been sleeping well. My intense focus at work each day has left me drained outside of work hours, quite lacking in thought and speech, and I’ve clearly been uncommunicative at home – not that I’ve actually noticed this.

Yesterday, I broke. After struggling to get started at work, I found that I was obsessively hunting out cool applications and rearranging the home screen on my phone. I spent three hours on it, when I should have been working. The difference with this was I could see it was obsessive special interest. I couldn’t stop, much to my own horror. Even when I was hungry, it took me a whole hour to drag myself away and go and get some lunch.

So I was feeling quite depressed even before I left for home yesterday. For the first time I could see that I wasn’t a new more productive me, work had simply become my special interest, to the exclusion of everything else.

And then came the argument, which of course I didn’t see coming either.

It was extremely upsetting for me, because of course I was painted in a very bad light by my wife. I understand that this is what people do in arguments – you air your frustrations, and the other person in the argument airs theirs, and so the air ultimately clears, as both people get their grievances off their chest.

But of course, that dynamic doesn’t really work when I’m one of the people in an argument. I soak up the criticism, and don’t offer very much back. I feel more and more awful and useless and poorly understood, and reply less and less. This just makes the other person in the argument even more angry and the cycle goes round and round until bedtime, at which point the other person is often apoplectic with rage, and I’m a gibbering wreck.

So it was last night. I felt wretched, and useless, and that no-one understood me at all, despite my genuine best efforts to explain things from my point of view. The last part of this is perhaps the worst. We all feel useless from time to time and remorse too. But the feeling that the person closest to me really didn’t understand me or how I am, was almost indescribably painful. I felt completely alone, and that I would never truly find any understanding from anyone else.  I could see my life going forward being a series of unintended disasters where I unintentionally piss other people off. With those thoughts, and jibes from my wife suggesting our relationship was in trouble, and questioning whether I was capable of being a father in a family, it’s perhaps not surprising that I started to wonder where life was actually worth living.

I’m feeling a little better this morning – perhaps surprisingly, I slept well.

But I still feel wretched and useless. What’s more I hate myself too. Today is one of those mornings where I wish I didn’t have Asperger’s. I want to be normal. I want to feel like I’m understood for who I am. I want to have arguments with people and I want to be able to organise my life in a way that I get on with other people rather than piss them off. I’ve had enough of faux pas, and of hating social activities. I don’t want to be ultra-focussed on one activity at a time, and I’d like to be able to express emotions without difficulty.

And the daft thing is that my wife suggested last night that I can do all of this, because of a single sentence from the Diagnostic Assessment Report. She said I wasn’t trying. But I do. I try hard every day to fit in and do my best. Perhaps my best just isn’t good enough.

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Out of the blue

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I spot things.

I have an unusual attention to detail that means that means I see things most people miss. Whilst this often means humdrum things like trying to decipher personalised number plates on cars, or even what trim level the car is based on the pattern of the wheels, I occasionally see rather more unusual things. Sometimes strangely synchronous things have happened too. Things that are so unusual that they stick in my mind for years, in the way that normal events typically fail to do.

But are these unusual things of any consequence whatsoever, and are they the product of an over fertile imagination?  I’ll leave that to you to decide.

I grew up Yorkshire, about 20 miles away from Manchester airport, which for those of you outside the UK is one of the major regional hubs here. More than this, we were on one of the common approach ways, so as a child who was interested in paying attention to the detail around me, I knew the sights and sounds associated with aircraft overhead. I saw them every day, and I knew the directions they flew and the heights that they would be overhead depending on the wind direction. I had muy head in the clouds. When I was fifteen, and unusual ariel sight lead to The Mother Of All Special Interests in my mid teens, which I’ve written about before. I won’t cover that again here – I don’t need to, as there have been other unusual things I’ve seen in the sky too.

Firstly, there was the very odd bolt of lightening I saw one morning. I must have been around thirteen or fourteen at the time, and I was off school ill – perhaps with a bad cold. I was home alone, and bored. As I often did, I was sat on the back of the sofa looking out of the lounge window at the rolling Yorkshire hills around the house. I’d seen foxes out in the fields in the recent past, and wondered if I might see one again. Bam! My eyes darted in an instant towards a bright light that was towards the left of my vision. Somewhere behind the hill in the middle distance on the left, a bright white light shot upwards. It was bright like lightening, and lived for perhaps roughly the same amount of time, or maybe ever so slightly longer. In all other ways it was quite unlike lightening however. Firstly, as I said it clearly went upwards, disappearing into the cloud cover, which incidentally was not thunder cloud like in the least. Secondly, its appearance was that of an entirely straight line, and it didn’t touch the ground and clouds at the same time; it was like a bright white glowing rod appeared from behind the hill and shot up into the clouds. What was it? I have no idea.

In my final year of high school, having had the unusual sighting that lead to the mother of all special interests, I’d bravely told my closest school friend one morning on the bus on our way to school. ‘Friend’ just about fits here, incidentally, but this was more out luck than good judgement on my part, but that is another story. The bus dropped us at the bottom of a long steep hill which we had to climb to get to the school gates. We were still chatting about my sighting as we climbed the hill. I looked up at the sky, as I often do, and spotted something moving that didn’t look right. “Oh!” I said and pointed to the sky so my friend could see what I was looking at. He gasped in amazement – “What’s that?” he asked. I thought sceptically about how I’d read recently about many UFO sightings being attributed to planes being seen at odd angles. “It’s probably a plane at an odd angle”, I said. We both kept on looking. “That really is quite odd” I chipped in, and my friend agreed. It didn’t look like a plane, and he agreed about that too. It was’t flying on one of the usual flight paths either. We both tried to twist what we could see into a plane flying at an odd angle, or with the sun gleaming off it in a strange way. We couldn’t. To be honest, whatever it was was pretty high up – the sort of height that planes cruise at, and the looked like an odd mash of roughly three and four sided polygons, none of which looked remotely like wings . What was it? I have no idea.

My friend remembered this several years later, when the subject came up by chance. He was still genuinely enthralled that he’d seen something that neither of us could readily identify in the sky. What freaks me out more is the odd synchronicity that it happened on the very morning that we discussed my previous sighting. Coincidence? Probably. Plane at an odd angle and glinting strangly in the sun? Probably? But not definitely.

Another strange episode of synchronicity happened to my some years later, when I was living in London. It was summer, and I was on my fifteen minute walk to the tube, on my way to work. Suddenly, I wondered what had become of my first major girlfriend. This was the fantastically kind and gentle (but ultimately unfaithful) woman who I’d spent a solid two years of my life with from the age of around fifteen. I was in my mid twenties now, and I hadn’t been in touch with her since we slit up nearly ten years previously. I hadn’t thought about her for years. But there I was wondering where she was and what she was doing as I wandered down the road to the tube.

I trotted down the stairs to the platform, and walked along to the place I invariably stood to get on the train. Bam! There she was. about three or four people away, standing on the platform. I physically reeled and felt faint. This was just freakishly odd. Could it really be her, or was it just someone that looked a little like her? I spent the couple of minutes waiting for the train stealing surreptitious looks, whilst she was oblivious. The train came, and we all got on. She got on at the next door, and the train was packed, so that was it. It was her, I’m convinced of it. Once again, it is the synchronicity of things here that freaks me out.

You don’t need to have a keen attention to detail to have seen the next thing. But was it a cruel trick from within the family, perpetrated for some still unknown reason? Probably. But definitely?

These incidents happen back when I was in my mid teens again, perhaps a year or two after the unusual sightings. Both had one thing in common – they happened on Saturday mornings, whilst I was out of the family home working behind the counter in our local newsagents. I got up early on Saturdays to open up the shop and get the newspapers sorted into the various rounds for the boys and girls to take and deliver. The job was my first real job, and was offered after I’d been a conscientious paper boy for several years.

The other thing going on in my life at this time was fairly severe depression. I’d recently split from the long term girlfriend mentioned above, and I was a mess, who wasn’t coping with life very well at all. The bpttom had fallen out of my world.

I’d work at the newsagents until lunchtime when the local daily paper arrived, and then, having seen these out on their deliveries, I’d lock up the shop and head home. On this day, I got home, headed up to my room, and Bam! (hope you are not getting too tired of my use of Bam! yet, but it does seem to sum up my feelings each time).

My room was, umm, well different. Nothing big, you understand, but different none the less. The first time this happened, the mattress on my bed had been pushed askew from the bottom of the bed, so that it was hanging off the bed. The mattress was big and heavy, so it wasn’t the sort of thing you could do by accident, say whilst hoovering. Under the mattress was also where I kept my stash of porn (these of course being the pre-internet days when porn was actually printed on paper, and working in a newsagents made it easy to get hold of). I immediately suspected my younger brother, who would have been fifteen or sixteen at the time, so I went and asked him. “Have you been in my room this morning? I’m not going to be angry if you have, I’d just like to know.”, I asked in an annoyed voice. “No”, he said, looking genuinely taken aback and confused. I asked my parents the same question, and drew the same response. How odd. A few months later I returned from my morning selling sweets and crisps  and the odd magazine to find my wardrobe doors open. Once more, all very subtle, but not only had I not left them open that morning, but I never left them open. Again, plausible denials from everyone who had been in the house over the course of the morning. Odd, odd, odd.

The final thing I’d like to write about is something subtle that I’ve noticed for a great many years. Even I suspect there is some mundane explanation – most likely coincidence – at play, but it does seem to happen an awful lot.

Street lights. They are, of course just about everywhere. And being a bright source of light, my eyes tend to get drawn to them, even if only out of the corner of my eye. And what happens to street lights when the bulb starts to reach the end of it’s life? Well the bulb goes out, and then comes back on. Sometimes this is a flicker, but very often, it is an extended random period of the light being off and then it being on for a while, before it goes off again. How do I know? well I’ve observed it, of course. A lot. None of this is odd, however.

What is odd, is how frequently I approach a street light, either on foot or in my car, and the light changes state as I approach. I’m not talking randomness here. My eyes pick out changes in lights from a great distance – I suspect that the more I’ve noticed this effect, the more I’ve become atuned to look for it. But in all seriousness, I will frequently drive down a road where you can maybe see the lights for a good several hundred yards. No flickering or state changing. Suddenly, as I approach a light, it will change state. If it was on, it’ll go off. If it was off, it’ll come on. But for as long as I’ve been able to see it – sometimes several minutes if I’m walking, it won’t have changed state. Sometimes this will happen to me on my commute, and I’ll pay special attention as to where the light was. I’m interested to see if it does the same thing again in following days. What’s surprising is perhaps how frequently it does repeat. Over the course of a week, say, some lights have repeated their apparent behaviour two or three times.

One autumn, when I worked in London, and had to walk over London Bridge each evening towards the tube, I had a light that scored perhaps even a little better than this. It’s state changed more often than not as I approached it, for several weeks.

There’s a strangely similar effect that sometimes happen to me on spring mornings as I drive to work. Time it just right, and the street lamps are starting to switch off in the dawn light. It’s amazing though, how for a few weeks I find myself driving along with lights switching off as I approach them. Not just one set in quick succession, but often several sets over some distance.

Coincidence and an over active imagination? Probably. Yet these oddities really do happen a lot. It feels more than coincidence.

All of the odd things I’ve described above mess with my head, because I prefer to deal in logic and in certainties. Yet here are things that I have experienced that seem to defy the logic that I hold so dear.

The world feels like an odd place. But that oddness is ever so slightly magical too.

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Street lights, synchronicity and lights in the sky

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In the grand scheme of things, I’m not very big on politics. However, whenever a general election happens, I end up getting very drawn into it all, with very set views all of a sudden.

I’m a liberal. Not out of choice or even out of spending great deals of time pouring over policies. I just am. I guess I was born that way – my ideals align with them rather better than any of their rivals.

The voting system in the UK does not favour the Liberal Democrat party which is where my voting intentions lie. We use a ‘first past the post’ system that skews and twists the will of the electorate wildly. In recent elections, the Lib Dems have typically polled approximately 20% of the votes, but taken only 10% of the parliamentary seats. The two larger parties – Labour (currently in power) and the Conservatives take the lion’s share of the remainder of the votes and the seats. It is, however entirely possible for one of the two big parties to win a majority of seats with fewer than a third of the popular vote.

It’s no surprise then, that voting reform has always been one of the big pledges of the Lib Dems, and one of the political causes that I support with a passion when there is an election in full swing. It’s the lack of logic in the current system that I despise.

Something unusual has happend in the last week of the current campaign. For the first time, there has been a televised debate between the the Labour, Conservative and Lib Dem leaders. The Lib Dem leader, Nick Clegg did something unexpected and refreshing. He talked about his parties policies and how they differed from the ‘old’ policies of his rivals. His rivals squabbled amongst themselves. Nick Clegg ‘won’ the debate – snap polls immediately after the event had around 50% of people thinking he won the arguments.

Wow! The Lib Dems have now risen from around 20% to around 30% in the opinion polls, very similar ratings to the two big parties. But here is where it all goes wrong again.  Let’s look at one single, but reasonably representitive poll carried out this week:

Liberal Democrat: 33%, Conservative: 32%, Labour 26%

Based on an average distribution of ‘swing’ from one party to another across the country, this would give the following predicted break down of seats in parliament, if the above figures held on election day:

Liberal Democrat: 134, Conservative: 244, Labour: 243

Ugh! Not only do the Lib Dems end up with approximately 45% fewer seats than either of the other two parties, but Labour, who have less of the popular vote than either of the other two actually end up with the most seats, although not enough to rule on their own – it would be a hung parliament.

That TV debate has been something of a catalyst for me, and I’m now heavily absorbed in what is going on. My search for information – typically via the Internet – is now quite time consuming each day, and my quest for further knowledge seems to have no bounds – my brain is like a big sponge trying to take in everything I can find. I smell a new Special Interest in the making.

The Lib Dems cannot win this election. They do however seem to have captured the public mood right now, where people are fed up of the old style politics and politicians. They can’t win, but the Lib Dems can force a change. If there is a hung parliament – and it looks very likely right now – then they would hold a lot of power, by forming an alliance with either Labour or the Conservatives to allow a government to be formed. It’s likely that part of that power would allow them to ask the populace if they’d like to see a change in the way voting works.

Who knows – maybe by the time the next general election comes round, a fairer and rather more proportional voting system might be in place. I for one have my fingers crossed.

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A new Special Interest

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My new job is going well – very well. That is the biggest reason that I’ve not been writing here.

It’s not that I couldn’t find the time to write, it’s a little more subtle than that. My new job has become my current special interest, and has taken on all the properties that that title bestows on it. Focus – that’s the main thing. By focus, I don’t mean that I’m getting lots done. I don’t mean that I’m obsessing about work when I get home either. Both of those attributes are what I would associate with a regular person who was committed to their job.

When my job becomes my special interest, something a little different than the above happens. Whilst at work, I am supremely focussed. Focussed on whatever it is that I’m doing at the time. I may have a to do list the length of my arm – indeed this is often the case, but I’ll struggle to get half of it done, despite working really hard. This isn’t due to a lack of productivity, in fact it’s quite the opposite. I complete the task I’m working on very thoroughly, and with great attention to detail, at the cost of the other tasks that need doing.

I won’t realise that I’m doing this whilst it is happening. To echo one of the great AS cliches, I lose track of time, and suddenly find myself near the end of the working day, aghast that I’ve not tackled several of the high priority items that I put on my list that morning. I will have had a blast of a day however, getting lost in the intricacies of some problem, and quite often bathing in the satisfaction associated with having nailed whatever the problem was.

It’s not just my other work tasks that get neglected, I’ll often have a few bits of personal logistics on my daily list – paying bills, finding a little something for my wife, that sort of thing – and much of the time I’ll not have tackled these either. I find this very frustrating, and over the years, no matter how I’ve tried to structure my day to allow me to complete more tasks, I’ve invariably slid back to a position where items get missed for the above reasons. I find that with great effort I can carry off some sort of structure that forces the execution of my list for a short time only. Invariably the effort required to make it work is just too great. I am not blessed with much of an ability to structure my life in a way that gets important tasks done in a reliable way. Call it executive dysfunction if you like.

At the end of the working day I drive home, and for the most part leave my work thoughts behind in the office. That’s great, but unfortunately I don’t get to enjoy my evenings in the sort of productive way that I note many of my peers do. There’s the initial feeling of exhaustion that I’ve written about before. That hour or so of feeling dazed and looking glazed that I put to down to too much sensory input at work and the forty five minute drive home. Once that’s worn off and the daily chores are done, I’m fit for nothing. I feel tired despite getting eight hours of sleep most nights, and find it difficult to bring myself to do anything productive.

But do you know what?

The above frustrations now also feel normal and comfortable. Whilst I have lived with the above challenges my whole life, it’s only really in the last year that I’ve become properly aware of them, and have had any kind of idea as to why they exist. My awareness has brought an acceptance of who I am. That’s incredibly powerful and empowering too. I’m never going to be all that good at getting a bunch of tasks done in a given day. By accepting that, I’ve removed the need to compare myself to those who don’t have AS. I no longer have to beat myself up for not managing to work in the way that I see many of my peers do.

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Awareness

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It all started when we rushed out the door on Sunday morning. I took the kids to the rugby ground – my son for his weekly training session, and my daughter to stand and watch with me, whilst my wife went to the supermarket just down the road from the rugby club to get the weekly food shop done. I say supermarket, but it’s actually two right next to each other – Aldi, the lovely and decidedly quirky German import, and Asda, the local giant which is now owned by America’s Walmart. Asda’s name, incidentally, comes from a contraction of Associated Dairies.  I mention this because it is one of those odd little bits of information that frequently pops into my head when Asda is mentioned – there is clearly an association there in my brain, and my AS helps to push me into mentioning it. Only after I’ve told this to people will I start to feel embarrassed for having done so.

Anyway – Asda isn’t the star here, it’s Aldi. Aldi is great – it doesn’t stock the huge range of Asda, and it isn’t big on well known brands, but the things it stocks are usually of excellent quality, and many – such as cold continental meats – are better and also much cheaper than at their giant next door neighbour. Aldi also have a clever trick of having some non-food specials in twice a week at unbeatable prices. Everything from power tools to computers, light bulbs to bathroom furniture. At the start of the summer we bought a giant four berth tent and lots of camping equipment from them when they opened one Tuesday morning (just in case they would sell out before we got there), at prices far better than any of our local outdoors shops could manage. We like Aldi. Anyway…

Whilst I supervised the kids at the rugby, my wife went to Aldi first, and then across to Asda for the few items she couldn’t get at Aldi. We met up at the end of the training, and she told me that she’d seen some winter coats at Aldi – both for my son and me. We wandered down the road to take a look. My son liked his jacket, and I thought the one my wife had found for me was great. They were silly money too, so we bought them. For £18.99 I got a waterproof coat with an unzippable fleece lining. It’s nicely finished, is deliciously warm, and has plenty of pockets. My son’s is like a slightly brighter scaled down version of mine. The fleece lining doesn’t unzip on his, but hey – for £7.99 you really can’t complain – and it is still waterproof.

At home, after lunch, I found myself doing something that I remember doing when I was a child.

I took my new coat, and spent a good ten minutes pouring over it in great detail. I unzipped each of the pockets in turn, and explored them with my hands, seeing what size they were, and wondering where to put each of the things that I carry around with me. I marvelled at the stitching, and carefully cut off the couple of stray thread ends. I examined how the fleece was zipped in, amazed at the trickery used to hide the metal zip ends behind folds in the softer material where it might make contact with my neck.  I tried it on and then took it off again, and then put it back on and did up the zip right to the top. I unfolded the hood from it’s hidden compartment, and then carefully folded it back up. I felt the fabric of the fleece lining and of the outside too. I listened to the sound that my hand made on the outer fabric.

This is something I can always remember doing with clothes, but especially with coats. Coats tend to be quite complicated garments with lots of pockets, so there is much to explore. I can still remember a summer coat (this is the UK after all) that I got when I was about ten. It was green and blue and yellow – very garish in today’s terms, but quite fashionable back in the mid eighties. It had a pouch on the front for your hands, much like a hoody sweat top, but you had to peel the pouch off (it fastened on at the top and one side with velcro) to zip and unzip the jacket – really very unusual. I loved it for it’s unusualness, and for the lovely way it had been stitched together. To me, it was a coat to be proud of. I guess I feel much the same way about my new coat. It is a no-name brand, and in all likelihood the material probably isn’t wonderful quality, and maybe it’ll lose it’s waterproofness quickly. But it is well engineered in a very German way, and well finished, and it was an astonishing bargain to boot.

I keep wanting to put it on – in fact each time I’ve popped out of the office this morning, I’ve put it on. This is unusual – I usually brave the trip to the coffee shop or the post office in just my shirt sleeves, even at this time of the year.

So, I feel like Peter Pan, the boy that never grew up. I feel ten years old again, pouring pride and affection into my new coat. I can’t help it – it’s just me.

Yet whilst my actions may be very much like they were when I was child, I’m concious of the fact that they are not the actions of many, probably most kids. My son is only five, so I can’t compare directly with myself at ten, but his reaction to his new coat was, I think, fairly typical of boys in particular. He liked the colours, pronounced it as  cool and said he’d wear it. When we got home, it got discarded on the kitchen floor and forgotten about until this morning when it was time to leave for school.

Will he react that way at ten? I can’t say, but I suspect he’s more likely to continue to react that way than to have my fascination with the mechanics and design of it.

In lots of ways I’m like Peter Pan – many of the things I do now are the same as when I was a child. However, the child in me is still really rather different from your typical child, so the comparison feels strained to me. I’ve read many times over the last year about immaturity and naiveness in adults with Asperger’s, and associated behaviour being described as child-like. But it occurs to me that I’ve not seen it pointed out that the behaviour is child-like in a peculiarly ASD way – but it most certainly is. And remember how kids with ASDs get described? That’s right – as little professors.

So maybe I’m not like Peter Pan at all. Maybe I’m actually like a little professor, in an adults body, with a strange fascination for winter coats.

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Peter Pan’s new coat

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First, the good news: I was approached by someone I used to work with a couple of months ago, about joining them in a new work venture. At the time, I completely failed to grasp the subtle undertones used by them in their email approach. They asked if I knew of anyone with my job skills who might be available, and incidentally, was I available? I couldn’t think of anyone else, and then told them I wasn’t available right now. They pursued me more, and suggested that the job they had available would be pretty exciting, and that maybe I’d like to pop round and have a chat with them about it in more detail. Having thought things over, I decided against pursuing it further, and politely declined.

End of story.

Well, no. I got another email a couple of weeks ago, asking if I might want to reconsider. It was only really when I read this that I realised just how much they were specifically interested in me, and not in whether I knew of anyone with my sort of skills.  You see, this time they said that they were disappointed that I’d turned them down before, and that they were interested in me because I’d worked with them before, and thought I’d be a great fit in their company. I don’t do subtlety very well – it tends to pass me by. Spell things out though, and well, I can see what is really being said.

So, once I’d picked my jaw up off the floor, I went and had a chat with them, which essentially involved me interviewing them, and them trying to sell the opportunity to me. They succeeded. I join them in a month or so! My skills suit the new job far better than the one I’m doing now. I’m really looking forward to getting stuck into it.

My investigation of my potential new employer shifted my focus somewhat. I found that I was spending a lot of my time thinking about the opportunity, and I also made a concious decision not to do any writing here whilst I was preparing to meet them – to help me focus. Without realising it, my job prospect suddenly took on all the familiar aspects of a special interest, and everything else got pushed to the back burner. I was getting the same intense feelings about the job opportunity as I have been getting most of this year from thinking about Asperger’s. I went from checking my blog visitor stats every hour or two, and ruminating over what to write about several times a day, to not thinking about the blog at all, and checking the stats every few days. Just like that.

The sudden change in focus has surprised me. Introspection regarding Asperger’s, and writing this blog has felt so deeply ingrained in me these last few months, that the possibility of not thinking about it has been, well, unthinkable. And yet, without expecting it, that was exactly what had happened. Initially, I was intrigued.

With Asperger’s shifted from being the core of my thinking, would life be any different?

Well, at times it has felt like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. By not ruminating deeply about Asperger’s and not looking in microscopic detail at how it affects my life, I’ve not been seeing as many aspects of my life where I feel that I don’t do well. My mood has lifted – but then again, I’ve got a new and exciting job to look forward to, so my mood is going to have been lifted by that too. I’m sure the lack of Asperger’s special interest has played it’s part, but I can’t solely put down my better outlook on life down to lack of it.

Here’s the really interesting thing for me: I wondered if my lack of focus on AS would make my life better – whether I would somehow revert to being more normal if AS wasn’t the middle – and indeed edges – of my world. I think that deep down, that little grain of self doubt in me that isn’t sure that I have AS wondered if my lack of AS focus would have an impact on my behaviour. Is any of my behaviour simply down to conditioning over the course of this year? Have I talked myself into being an Aspie? Have I played out a stereotypical Aspie interaction with the world simply because I’ve learned to do so?

No. I’ve already admitted that I simply replaced one special interest with another – AS got replaced with new job. I thought about it and poured over the pros and cons of joining a small business in every bit as much detail as I have recently thought about AS. I spent a day pretty much solely tracking down hardware and then making a recommendation about what I’d like to use on my desktop when I join. This was fully costed out, with alternate options, all spelled out in an email that took me hours to write in a way that I felt was just right. I’ve spent another day pouring over Google maps, trying to work out the best commute for the new job, including costing out the various options. In short, I’ve been every bit as focussed and all consumed by my new special interest as I have been by Asperger’s all these months.

And in the mean time, my daily interaction with the world has gone on, pretty much unchanged. On days where my mood has been especially buoyant, I’ve maybe taken a little more time to try and make small talk with folks – but that too is normal. My interaction with the world has always been governed by mood – I have good days and bad days, just like everyone else. It’s my wife’s 40th in less than a month, and I keep finding myself thinking that I must sort out her present. I have been saying this every day for a couple of weeks now, and have only managed to spend a little time on one day actually doing something about it. As usual, on all the other days where I should have been sorting it out, my focus on something else (the new job in this case) means it simple doesn’t cross my mind at a time where I can do something about it – even if I’ve written it down in my book of things to do.

So there you go – despite not thinking about AS, my life has carried on in the same familiar AS-like way that it has always done. If you can sense a little surprise in my writing you’d be right, because that little grain of self doubt can be very powerful. But that little grain of self doubt is wrong. I don’t act Aspie, it is simply, and always has been a part of who I am.

Post from: That Explains Everything

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A different focus

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So it’s Wednesday morning, and here I am writing once more. What’s on my mind today?

Well, I’m feeling agitated and stressed for a number of reasons. As usual with these things, a number of small issues trip me up in a short period of time and leave me feeling far more stressed and anxious than the sum of their parts should do.

A big one is to do with the hard work I’ve been putting in to starting up my own business. As I suspect many people in my position find, there is far more work involved in the set up of a new venture than you imagine there to be. I spent five and a half hours yesterday working on getting the last chunk of my managed email offering working in a way that I could sell to people, and felt a great deal of satisfaction when it all started to come together and work. But someone else was rather less satisfied – my wife. My working on it meant that I didn’t spend any quality time with her last night, and she wasn’t impressed. Indeed she questioned why I needed to spend so much time working on this at all.

In a way, she has a point. I manage her email already, and it works. Why then do I need to spend many hours working on something that as far as she can see already works?

Well, the problem is that her email works in a way that I couldn’t possibly sell to other people. It isn’t fault tolerant, and it wouldn’t scale. I don’t want to start selling the current configuration only to have to go back to those I’ve signed up in a month or two’s time and tell them either that I’ve lost all their email because my machine broke and I don’t have backups, or that I now have to inconvenience them to change their configuration because I’ve finished implementing the new system. I have a customer waiting for the email service, so don’t feel that I can hang around.

My wife has in general been very supportive of my decision to set up my own business, but last night wasn’t. My protestations that I was doing this in order that I could ultimately help support my family was met with derision. My wife said that I was just tinkering for tinkering’s sake.

This comment cut deep. In much the same way as I mentioned in a post a couple of days ago, I was being told something counter to my understanding by someone that I trust and respect. I immediately felt that she was right. Who was I kidding? Setting up a business? Am I ever really going to be able to do that? Well am I?

More than just having a customer waiting, it’s true that I feel a compulsion to get this new email service up and running – like I have to prove something to myself. I need to know that I can do this – that I have a talent for something. I also need to see that I can finish things that I start. Perhaps it’s true to say that this business venture has become something of a special interest that I feel that I need to spend time on.

Has my wife just been humouring me all this time, or were her comments last night simply because she was angry that I wasn’t spending quality time with her last night? Only she can answer that of course.

There are other little things knawing at me too right now. My son missed his swimming lesson this week because my wife forgot to take him last night, and now he’s missed his place on the next course as it has now filled up in his absence. My wife said I should have reminded her about it yesterday. I now feel like I’ve let my son (and wife) down.

The chain keeps coming off my son’s bike, and he wanted to take it to the Holiday Club he’s at today. My wife told me that the chain was off when I got home last night, but I was too embroiled in my work efforts to remember fix it. I tried to hurriedly fix it this morning, but failed – either the chain ended up too loose, or the wheel ended up going on at an angle meaning the brakes rubbed the whole time. In the end he took his scooter to the club instead of his bike. Frustrating, and once again I feel like I’m letting my son and wife down.

On top of all of this I’m finding it difficult to get down to the work I’m being paid to do.

All of this just goes round and round in my head and doesn’t help. I don’t feel like I’ve been on holiday, I just feel more stressed and anxious than I did before I went on holiday.

Gah!

Still, I’ve got some of it on paper now, and I’m finally not feeling as sensorily wiped out as I have been doing since my long drive home from holiday on Saturday. Hopefully I can now knuckle down and do a bit of what I’m being paid to do.

I hope so – if I don’t knuckle down soon, people will start to notice the lack of output from me, and the potential consequences of that don’t bear thinking about.

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Frazzled

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In the front right pocket of my jeans are all my coins, and some used tissues. I know. The tissues should really be in the bin. If I need to take my watch off – like when I bath the kids, for instance – it goes in that pocket too, despite me wearing it on my left wrist.

In the back right pocket of my jeans are receipts that I’ve not dealt with yet. The back left pocket of my jeans is always empty.

In my coat, the left hand inside pocket has my wallet, and my list book. The inside right pocket has any keys I happen to have with me.

Predictable.

Comfortable.

Of course, when I’m at work, the pen, the list book and my phone will all be in front of me on my work table – but that’s predictable too.

I’m fussy about the tools I use.

The pen is a Fisher Space Pen, in brushed chrome. I love its simple lines, its small size when shut, and the feel of the brushed metal in my hand. I can of course depend on it to write on anything too.

The list book is a Italian leather-bound lined CIAK Notebook. Its small enough to fit into my coat pocket, yet large enough to be useful. The paper is thick and a lovely cream colour. It is a pleasure to use.

I carry the pen and the book because I need a list to help me organise my day. The list tells a tale of predictability too.

Each day gets it’s own double page in the book.

At the top of right hand page, I write the date:

Wednesday 20090806

My head likes the logic of the date format  use, which has come from my life in IT. If you view the date as a number in its own right, then the number will always be bigger than it was yesterday. I always underline it too. This date format can have hours minutes and seconds added to it too without the incremental pattern breaking, though clearly this level of detail isn’t needed here.

Below the date is a blank line, and then a list of items that I need to do for work that day. I leave a space at the start of the line for a priority number that I can add later, and then I draw a little check box, and then write the task. I use a number of shorthand tricks:

□ #5437: @PC – What needed?
□ Call @TG – place order?
□ AHU4: Fault. Raise call?

At the bottom of the right hand page I write a letter to indicate which shift I am on at work, and then my actual start and end times. Below this I’ll note any time taken for lunch, and next to the time worked I’ll tot up the total for the day, when it’s time for me to go home:

L: 0945 – 1815    8h15m
15m lunch

Above this, I leave a blank line, and then write my list of tasks for the day that are non work related, back up the page towards the other set of tasks.

With my lists written, I can then prioritise. The priorities go before the checkbox, as I mentioned above. I use the following:

* 1 2 3

I hand draw the star as a five pointer, and it generally indicates something I really have to get done. You can guess how priorities 1 to 3 stack up after this.

Occasionally I draw a star with a circle round it. This is used rarely and indicates something that really really really needs to get done that day

I don’t always tackle the list in the order of priority I have assigned. They are my rules, so I can break them as much as I like too. Generally, if I have a 1 or 2 priority item that I know will only take a few minutes to complete, I’ll do that before I tackle a star item that I know will take longer. I have no hard and fast rules about whether work items should be tackled before non-work items.

When I complete an item, the check box for it gets a tick, and I feel a degree of satisfaction.

If some event of interest happens at work, that I might need to refer back to at a later date, I write it between the two lists on the right hand page.

As the day progresses, I’ll start to use the left hand page in the list book. This serves multiple purposes.

Firstly, starting at the bottom, and working up, I’ll list items I’ve spent:

□ Cash in +50
□ Lunch 4.23c
□ Tesco 78.45d -> 16 clothes + groceries

There’s that shorthand again. The ‘c’ or ‘d’ after the amount indicates cash or debit card, and I categorise how our money is spent (Hey – they are just more lists when it comes right down to it). Eventually this all feeds into Wesabe, where I track our spending habits. At that point, the check box will get a tick.

At the top of the left hand page, I’ll often add events happening that day:

* @1030: Team conf call
* Collect A from Nursery on way home

The rest of the page is used for whatever it is needed for. This could be work or non-work related notes, or more frequently sub lists where a work-related list item is broken down into smaller items, each with their own check boxes so I know what I’ve got done.

Weekends are of course rather simpler. There is just one list, and no work times to note.

So there you have it.

You know, until I actually wrote about it just now, I really wasn’t aware of just how much effort I’ve put into devising this system. If you’re not autistic then you’ll probably think I’m crazy to have thought about this so much. If you’re on the spectrum, then I hope that you’ll see just how much order it adds to my life, and can appreciate how much it helps me to get things done.

Post from: That Explains Everything

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Tools of the trade

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I shouldn’t be. My body reacted no differently than it ever has done. What was different this time was that I was seeing it through the eyes of Asperger’s. My old explanations for the ways in which I reacted were cast aside, and I was able to apply some of what I’ve learned over the last year or so, and reach new conclusions.

All at once it was both satisfying, and a little alarming.

So what was I doing to push myself hard? If you don’t have autism, then this isn’t going to sound very strenuous. I was on holiday with my wife and two young kids.

I’m hoping that if you are an autistic parent, you’re nodding in agreement with me now.

I’ve learned over the years that life is exhausting. It hasn’t occurred to me very often that others don’t seem to share the same level of exhaustion as I do in fairly normal situations. When I have seen it, I’ve picked a ready made excuse – I’m unfit, or I’ve been working really heard at work over the last week, and this is just my body reacting to that – I’m sure you get the picture.

Don’t get me wrong – a week packed with activities and two small kids is hard work – no two ways about it, but I wasn’t tired at the end of each day, I was exhausted.

And perhaps for the first time in my life, I really thought about what my exhaustion was. Exhaustion falls into a category I have problems with – it’s really just a concept, and you have to create your own definition. I find concepts in general to be woolly and difficult to define. I found that over the years I had created a definition of exhaustion based on my own experiences, and that my definition wasn’t quite what I thought it was.

My exhaustion wasn’t physical – that was quite surprising. I’d kind of assumed that it was. Yet I could still have gone on a long walk at the end of each and every day of the holiday, despite suffering from my own definition of exhaustion. Sure, I’d prefer to slump into a sofa and relax, but if push came to shove, my body really wasn’t that tired.

It was my mind that was exhausted. It was over-stimulated and stressed, and wanted to stop having to think about everything. And of course, that is how I process social interaction – I think about what is being said to me, and react in what I consider to be an appropriate way. After a full day of two demanding young kids, new scenery to take in and lots of people around me chatting amongst themselves, my brain was waving a little white flag and asking if it might have some quiet time to recover a little.

A pattern emerged. I spent the day working hard, with all of my mental resources firing on full power. At the end of each afternoon, we’d return to my sister-in-law’s house where we were staying for the week, and I’d crash. I’d just slump onto a seat and do nothing for as long as I could get away with it. My brain would do it’s best to block out most of the noise and I’d spend some time reading a newspaper, or on the Internet. A little antisocial? Yes. Necessary? Yes.

After a while, I’d either need to make myself move again, to help with food, or to bath the kids, or I’d reach a point where I felt better again, and ready to join in with the real world once more. Left to my own devices, this took somewhere between an hour and ninety minutes.

Each day the pattern repeated. And then, on Saturday, we had a final day out, and I drove us home – a not inconsiderable four and a half hours or so of driving, mostly on motorways. Saturday was a long day, and we didn’t reach home until around 9pm. By the time the kids were bathed and in bed, and the car unpacked, it was nearer 10pm.

Boy did it show on Sunday. The kids gave us something of a lie in in the morning, and the first few hours of the day went ok for me. I felt tired, but on the whole not too bad. The problems hit around lunch time. My energy dipped, and my brain was telling me it needed quiet time, and lots of it. I became grumpy and snappy at the kids.

We needed to get some food in after our week away, and my wife, who will be looking after the kids single-handed for most of this week asked if she could go on her own, leaving the kids with me. I agreed. Logic told me it was unfair not to. I spent the next two hours playing board games with the kids on the carpet in the lounge – I didn’t have the energy for much else. This worked well – the kids felt engaged with the games, and for the most part behaved themselves. I felt wiped out the whole time, and much of the interaction felt like a lot of effort. What my brain really wanted to do, incidentally, was pursue a special interest. We’d visited the wonderful Brooklands Museum one day in the week, and my brain told me it wanted to go away and research the undeniably interesting history of the birth place of both British motorsport and aviation. I craved this, I’m sure, as a means of escaping from having to interact with anyone. I resisted.

Two hours later, my wife arrived home, and asked if I would cook tea. Feeling really overstimulated, and wanting to do nothing other than go somewhere quiet, I humphed and reluctantly agreed. I agreed, because it meant that I didn’t have to entertain the kids. On the whole, a good move.

After eating, we settled down as a family to watch a film. This, surprisingly, worked wonders. Our entertainment was Disney’s Herbie Fully Loaded. Easy viewing. The light-hearted nature of the film really helped to untangle my brain enormously. I could focus on one input, and forget all the others for an hour and a half.

Wonderful.

I’ve learnt a lot over the last week. It isn’t the fact that I had a busy week at work that means I’m tired when I go on holiday. I don’t feel wiped out at the end of a busy day of holiday because my blood sugars are low, or because I didn’t sleep well the night before. I experience all of these things because I have autism, and I spend my holiday time running at 100% of brain capacity. That’s why I crash at the end of each day. And that’s also why the day after I get home from holiday is really not at all pleasant. My brain needs a proper holiday – not the sort of holiday it had for the previous week.

I need to explain all this to my wife, but I’m feeling reluctant to do so. I’ve set the scene a little over the last day or so, but haven’t really tackled the issue head on. I feel silly and a little pathetic, perhaps because my wife too is tired after our week away. Like I said earlier – a weeks holiday with two small kids is hard work, whether or not you are autistic. So I’m not looking forward to explaining all of the above to my wife.

There’s good news here too, though. In seeing my tiredness for what it really is, I can work towards solutions that will help reduce the problem. I can’t rely on getting time alone to recuperate each day – not with a young family and tired wife, but perhaps we can watch more films together at the end of our holiday days. That really did work well for me, and it kept the kids amused too.

Has anyone got any other suggestions for activities we might try that would keep the kids occupied and allow me some time to calm my overstimulated brain down at the same time?

Post from: That Explains Everything

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A holiday?

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My starting point was a news item I’d seen earlier in the day that had piqued my curiosity. The story was this – a ghost village near to where my parents live in Scotland is to finally be demolished after thirty five years of sitting empty.

I love stories like this – local history and it’s odd quirks in particular have long been a fascination of mine, making this a special interest that makes regular and usually unanticipated repeat visits.

Over the course of an hour and a half, I let my thought processes dictate where this starting point would lead me. It lead to somewhere quite unexpected, but still in the same special interest thread (just) – Drax power station.

What follows is a little dissection of my thought processes that show how I got from A to B, via C on the way.

As I’ve said, we started here – a BBC news story about how the ghost village of Polphail in Argyll is to be demolished thirty five unhappy years after being built and never having been occupied.

The village, it turns out, was a legacy of the Scottish oil boom of the 1970s. A series of dry docks were built at that time around the Scottish coast for building giant concrete oil rigs, and Polphail was built next to one of these to house the expected workers. But the workers never came – the technology changed, and when it comes down to it, this dock and village were built on the west coast of Scotland, and all the oil is off the Eastern seaboard. The government has long since sold off the dock, which has recently been redeveloped into a marina, having served time as a fish farm. The unused village has changed hands several times, and has had a long and unhappy history of promised demolitions which have never been carried out.

A link from the BBC page (the link is no longer there) took me to a collection of photographs by a local photographer, that document the decay in the village, along with surprising details such as a rack of keys for the houses, and washing machines in a launderette – all still in place after thirty five years. The photos are eerily beautiful, and the website is well worth a visit.

Google maps showed me where Polphail was. After seeing it, I wondered if Google could tell me any more about it’s history. I found this – a wiki about secret and obscure sites in Scotland. This had some useful additional information, but I’ll come back to this in a few moments.

At this juncture, I wondered if there were any other ghost villages in the UK, so I searched. I found a couple.

The British military, it would seem has been the main cause of ghost villages in the recent past. During the Second World War, it commandeered three villages for exercises – Tyneham in Doset on the south coast, Imber on Salisbury Plain – not far from Stonehenge, and Mynydd Epynt in Wales. In each case, the government told the occupants that the land was temporarily required for military use, and gave them a month to leave. None has ever had their home returned to them, even to this day.

Figuring all this out took a while, and involved a lot of quick searches and looks via Google Maps to see what was there on the ground today. Some of the websites I found along the way were wonderful examples of amateur passion and campaigning turned towards the direction of a new technology like the web, including this great example here. You’ll find a great tour of Tyneham here.

Some further searching for other possible ghost villages turned up this gem of a website. I’ve barely scraped the surface of it yet, but have it tucked away to devour in full when I get the time. This site just about left me agog, as it talks about a now vanished village that I have driven past the site of many times – Glenbuck in Ayrshire, Scotland. Glenbuck is on the road I drive down when I visit my parents, which is the same road that we used to drive down to visit my grandmother when I was a child. Due to this I know the road well, and can create a wonderful 3D video of it in my head. The old mining town, with houses and a main street, has gone – vanished under a scar of open-cast mining. The industry that made it also in the end tore it up too.

With other ghost villages examined, it’s time to go back to Polphail, where we started.

I noticed on the Secret Scotland website that there were links to various planning documents (isn’t it amazing what you can get easy access to these days online?), so I had a bit of a read of these. Not only did these tell me a lot more of the history of village including the various efforts to try and get the owners to demolish it, but the site also had some interesting reading about how much public money had been wasted on building it in the first place. It wasn’t the cost that grabbed me however, it was mention that the costs for it were listed with the costs to build the Hunterston Deep Water Terminal, which is literally just down the road from where my parents live. I’ve always known that Hunterston was a port for bulk materials, but I’d never really know what. A quick trip to Wikipedia told me that these days coal is offloaded here, and then taken over the road via a large conveyor (easily visible in Google Maps) to the railway, where it is sent elsewhere.

And this is where Drax comes in. Wikipedia told me that one of the places that coal from Hunterston is shipped to is Drax – a huge coal-fired power station located in my neck of the woods, and just a couple of miles down the road from where I worked for a little over two years. Drax is huge and imposing – on a clear day you can see it from near my house, which is some twenty miles away as the crow flies. It’s huge in terms of output too – on it’s own it can provide 7% of the UK’s electricity, and if you classed Drax as a country in it’s own right, it would rank as the 76th biggest produces of CO2 in the world. Wow!

So – Polphail to Drax, via Tyneham and Glenbuck. All in all a very interesting ninety minutes.

Was it really ninety minutes? It seemed like much less time than that. I’ve been writing this piece for about that amount of time too, and once more the time has flown. This is what special interests are about – I get so thoroughly absorbed in them that time just disappears.

I think the above dissection of my thought processes gives a good example of how special interests drag me in, and of how my brain becomes a huge sponge for new information, devouring anything and everything vaguely related that I can find.

It also shows the other side of special interests too – the desire to share the knowledge I’ve learnt, often in detail to people that aren’t interested. This article is exactly that, but in written form.

I’d be willing to bet that some of those who start reading don’t make it here, and I can’t blame them.

As for you – well thank you for listening!

Post from: That Explains Everything

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The anatomy of a special interest

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