James

This is a somewhat impulsive reply to your two posts today.

1. There’s at least one more male blogger out here but I’ve only just started thinking about AS over the past week or so and I’ve been reading/researching and working through your blog since then. I was and am planning to reply to virtually all of your posts. I don’t think I could analyse myself as eloquently as you do, but then, you’re doing it for me! I can directly relate to so much of what you write. I’ve felt so alone for most of my life and now..!

2. I will reply to today’s 2nd post later when I have more time to think, but you really struck a chord with me again.

I started my own blog a little while ago but it wasn’t from an AS perspective initially. You’ll see, if you read it, that it’s full of anger. I’m trying to cope with a lot of issues currently (depression, anxiety, sleep apnoea, hypo-thyroidism, marriage disintegration, caring reponsibilities, financial meltdown, work problems (also IT!) etc etc.)

I’m just starting to see that AS could be at the bottom of so much of it. And sometimes I’m scared. Sometimes I’m excited. Sometimes I’m relieved.

Anyway, just wanted to say hello and, I’ll be back!

It may have something to do with natural differences between males and females. Women tend to write more personal diary style blogs whereas men are more likely to write about tech. (I think)

Maybe they’re all playing Warcraft and trying to work up the nerve to ask someone on a date? That seems to be the big guy topics on WP… like Soph says, sitting around and getting in touch with their lives isn’t generally something guys are known for.

In the gardening/homesteading forum I’m a member of, most of the posters are women. The male presence is rare and usually very retired. In fact, of the dozens of regular posters, I can only think of 3 guys… one so old he has a hard time walking around the block, one runs a plant nursery out of his home, and one real odd ball–he has a regular M-F job and still posts. Hmmmm….
=0)

Hey Wild…
I just checked out your site and indeed, you do sound Aspie. Not just the test scores, but the aversion to the intrusiveness of modern technology and pace of modern life. I tried to post, but my dinosaur software wouldn’t work with the site, so here I say ‘Welcome!’.

James, you are soooo busted…
everyone=men
excuuuuuse me? That is sooo 50′s.
LOL

DonkeyBuster:

I thought the subject line referred to this idea:

“If I looked hard I’d probably find a few hundred ASD blogs out there. If I tried really hard, spent a long time on search engines, and looked at forum sites like wrongplanet.net maybe I’d be able to push the number of people with ASDs who regularly write about it to a few thousand, but I doubt I’d get the figure much higher than this.

“That really isn’t many, and is a tiny fraction of those who have been diagnosed.

“Why?”

And that even though the largest amount of the word count was devoted to talking about the lack of male bloggers, that was actually the side-thought attached to the bigger thought which was “why are only a fraction of those with ASD blogging about it?”

Because after expressing the thought quoted above, James goes on to say:

“This really makes no sense to me. Am I missing something? Anyone got any ideas?

“Oh, and if you can find me the missing male ASD bloggers, I’d be very grateful!”

The “Oh, and” is a verbal trigger to indicate that the missing male bloggers was a supplemental thought to the overall missing bloggers, even if the supplemental thought got more words than the main thought, as indicated by the subject line.

No gender-based offense taken here, anyway.

Everyone,

My goodness! So many comments!

Soph – maybe you are right, and that the typical male (ASD or not) steers away from writing about their thoughts and feelings.
I’ve assumed that my self expression was fairly typical of a male with AS, but maybe it isn’t. Maybe those thoughts from all those years ago about how I have quite a female brain do have some basis in fact after all.

DonkeyBuster – Warcraft and the like is something I’d never entertain getting involved with. It’s just so not me! Again, I’ve assumed that other males with ASDs tend to be like me, so I assume those playing warcraft are geeks, but not on the spectrum. I guess I could be wrong on that, however.
I find it interesting that you are on a gardening forum. That’s much more the sort of unusual type of forum that I’d tackle too.

Sparrow – Thank you for the links. Some of these I’ve come across before, and others I haven’t, but will now check them out.
I’ve been trying to get on the autism-hub myself for a few months now. They are slow at vetting, but did a few weeks ago promise me that they were now checking out the site to see if it was suitable for inclusion.

Oh, and Sparrow is right – my intent wasn’t to appear chauvinistic. As I said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with most of the AS blogs I read being written by women. I just find it odd that there isn’t a more even balance.
I’d like to read more about AS from a male point of view than I currently do – I am after all male. None of that is in any way meant to suggest that I don’t get a huge amount out of the blogs written by women. I most certainly do.

I don’t know whether it’s AS related that I find it amazing that people take the time to think and comment upon the articles I write. Whatever the cause, I find it amazing. Thank you all very much.

Yeah, Codeman38 is male and a very cool person.

And, yeah, there is a strong male showing on the LiveJournal Asperger forum.

Sparrow, considering the first 3 paragraphs are about the lack of male Aspies posting, the 4th paragraph again emphasizes the lack of male Aspies posting, and after a single paragraph and a couple of lines the topic once again returns to the lack of male Aspies, I don’t think it’s a mistake to consider that the bulk of the article, the point of the article is the lack of male Aspies posting.

Also…. are you a literal Aspie? There’s all kinds of clues in my post that what I said is meant ‘tongue in cheek’ (Definition: characterized by insincerity, irony, or whimsical exaggeration)… I was trying to have a little fun with James. Lighten up.

Apparently not appropriate here.

No gender offense taken, James. And if you’re into gardening forums, check out Dave’s Garden. I hang out with the Homestead, Poultry and Livestock threads there, but there’s all sorts of interesting threads. A fun bunch of folks and a great place to practice an on-line personality. =0)

Please don’t tell me to “lighten up.” I get enough of that kind of talk from NTs.

Please find a way to express yourself to me that is respectful of my neurology. Thank you.

Lecturing someone because you don’t get the joke is not respectful, and our neurology is not different so using that as a guilt trip or power play isn’t going to work. I just happen to be an Aspie with a sense of humor and I’ve noticed some Aspies are very literal. James says he’s a literal Aspie, so I won’t make jokes here anymore. But just so’s you know, some other Aspies did get the humor. (the LOL and the long extended words, the reference to the 50′s were all clues).

I had no problem with the lecture; I appreciate it when others explain things to me that I don’t understand.

I was not attempting to cause you to feel guilt. If you are interpreting my words as an effort to give you guilt, maybe you did something that you feel guilty about and are reading that into what I have said? If so, please don’t do things to me that make you feel guilty. It isn’t nice to me, whether I am able to grasp that you have intentionally wronged me or not. I did not believe you had done anything out of intentional cruelty, rather out of ignorance and following social norms that are inherently cruel but rarely questioned.

It’s fine that you were making a joke and I’m glad that some people were able to enjoy that.

My problem is with phrases like “lighten up” or “you can’t take a joke” — these phrases rarely have a kind intent and are most often “bully phrases.” I don’t like them and have had them used as bludgeons against me too many times. I’m sure I’m not the only aspie with that experience.

I do not need to “lighten up.” I can both take and make a joke. I am fine the way I am and do not need someone else telling me that I am defective and need to change the way I am when I am not harming others or acting like a bully. Please do not use language that indicates that I am defective just because I say what I mean and mean what I say and approach others as if they have said what they meant as well.

I was not trying to offend you by reading your words to mean what they said. It was a sign of respect. I do not deserve to be told that I have to “lighten up” because I can’t see something. Would you tell a blind person to “lighten up” because they didn’t see you making a hand gesture that changed the meaning of your words? Would you tell a person in a wheelchair to “lighten up” because they couldn’t come to a birthday party at the top of a flight of stairs? Please don’t tell me to “lighten up” because I thought you meant what you said.

p.s. you say our neurology is not different. It most obviously is different if you are a person who “gets” certain social uses of words and I am a person who does not “get” them. We are both aspergian but our neurology is different. Just because two people share the same diagnosis does not make their neurology identical. I was not trying to imply that you are not on the spectrum by asking you to respect my neurology. I was not implying anything by it other than exactly what I said: please respect my neurology. It differs from yours in that respect and I would like you not to treat me as deficient because of that.

Perhaps your ability to read the extra things like jokes is also a disability when you read extra implications into my words that were not there? I respect your neurology that reads things into words and I am happy to explain what I did or didn’t mean if you see more meaning in my words than I put there. I would never tell you to “lighten up” or “darken up” because you add extra connotations to the things I say. Please give me the same respect when I see fewer connotations in the things you say than you have put there.

A couple of reasons I was unsure of my AS originally was that 1) I did get humour (or so I thought) and 2) I was able to see life from the other person’s perspective (or so I thought).

1) In fact, I do get most written humour and got Donkey’s joke within a second or two (The LOL and extended words gave it away for me). But I don’t always get verbal humour that’s for sure.

Once, on an office tour following an interview for Database/IT guy, I was introduced to someone who was described as the former Database/IT guy. I smiled politely and made the expected noises. It never occurred to me till later that this person wasn’t an employee. He was a decorator, just working in the building (and yes, he was dressed as a decorator!)

2) But also, I had trouble understanding Sparrow’s reaction at first and I had to think on it long and hard. Sparrow, I think I understand now and I’m sure I would’ve made a similar mistake, so thank you for the extra posts and for explaining.

Donkey, I think we probably have similar problems with literal aspies but I understand also what you’ve said too and my initial reaction was similar to yours.

To be honest, Sparrow and Donkey, both of you (and James for that matter) intimidate me a little. You all seem so able to express yourselves so fully and you’ve all given me a lot to think about. I struggle and agonise over every word and I’m still trying to understand where I am on the spectrum. But, at times like this, I find that too much talking can sometime be just that – too much. I hope that we can all understand what happened and learn from it. It IS a spectrum and we have to remember that.

Thank you all. (Now I have to go and pick my dog up from her chemo)

Wild

Reading Sparrow’s posts helps persuade me to the view that I do not have Asperger’s. DonkeyBuster’s post was to me clearly a joke. When I read this blog, or Gavin Bollard’s, or Nathan K’s, or John Robison’s, I do see a lot that I understand and recognise, but I don’t think I have the same difficulties in social communication that seem to be the core problem in Asperger’s. I am a bit geeky, but to a “clinically significant” level?
I look at Amanda Baggs’s blog/videos, and I just don’t relate to it, although IIRC she is autistic, not Asperger’s.