Wasn’t it obvious?
If you’ve read a few of my articles, you may be left thinking that I surely must have noticed that I had Asperger’s, or at least that I had something that was causing me problems in my life, and that I should thus have been able to tackle it.
Well, yes and no.
As I’ve written in other articles, I’ve always been aware that I was different. However, I had no well-defined point of reference with which to compare myself. This may sound a little odd, as like everyone else I live in and amongst other people. Don’t they provide a good point of reference?
No.
If you think about it, all you have to go on is what other people do and say, and for the most part this doesn’t give very much away. Also, everyone is unique – that’s easy to see, and frankly, clouds the view. If everyone is unique, and I can see that I’m different to everyone else, well, that makes me pretty normal, doesn’t it?
What’s much more difficult to see from simple observation is that there is an underlying neurological make-up that works in pretty much the same way across all ordinary people, and that it is this that is different in those of us with Asperger’s. You can’t see this through simple observation, and if you don’t know what you are looking for, how are you going to find it? I’m not typical, so how would I know how someone who is typical works? The only accurate point of reference I have is me.
I’ve only recently, at the age of 35 discovered just how different my make-up is compared to a typical person. I’ve discovered it by reading specifically about the differences, and then observing them in action. If it wasn’t for the work of those who have thoroughly researched Asperger’s, I wouldn’t know – they have provided me with the well-defined point of reference that has been missing all my life.
Without a point of reference to lead me in the right direction, I’ve been left for the whole of my adult life with a slight sense of something being not quite right. I’ve made many attempts over the years to figure out what was causing it, but it wasn’t until last year that I had my that explains everything moment.
My usual stock thoughts on my problem have been that I’m shy, and a little under confident. When other explanations have failed to fit, this is what I have fallen back on. Over the years I’ve thought I was suffering from depression – I have been from time to time, but this has been a symptom, not the cause. I’ve also wondered if I had an unusual mix of male and female characteristics – whether I was a lesbian in a male body if you like. It’s not difficult to see how I reached this conclusion – I am very sensitive, emotional, gentle and caring – all of which are attributes I associate more with women than men. Interestingly, my trait of feeling over-stimulated from too much visual and audible input also feels like a female characteristic too. I’m not sure why it feels that way to me, but that’s the way it’s always been.
I’ve had therapy for depression, which focussed on my lack of confidence and tried to teach me techiques to stop ruminating over things. What it didn’t do was address why I was depressed and ruminating in the first place. That remained a mystery. There was nothing that had happened in my life that appeared to account for it. Years later I received another round of therapy to tackle my anxiety. That too didn’t tackle why I might have cause to be feeling anxious, but it did provide useful techniques to help control it. In the end it also proved to be the gateway to discovering I had Asperger’s.
I can’t emphasise enough just how enlightening it was to read about Asperger’s for the first time. It really did feel like it explained everything.
I know why I’m different now. Vivre la difference!
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