The rapidly approaching T-junction

There’s a lot going on in my head right now, and I’m not only struggling to make sense of it, but also to turn it into something that can be expressed in some way. I have no idea which way this post will turn. Lets find out.

My background anxiety levels are through the roof, and small things are causing them to peak. Big things are causing them to peak too, obviously, but when I get to the point that little unimportant things are causing me such a problem, well – I’m not in a good place.

Everyone has problems. I know that. In that respect I’m absolutely no different to a considerable portion of the population of the planet right now. We all have our personal struggles. I want to make this clear, because I also want it to be clear that this is not a post asking for sympathy – not at all – it is a simple dump of where I am and how I’m feeling, and maybe even some of the reasons why.

A couple of weeks ago, my wife booked us a joint appointment at Relate. Those of you in the UK will know this is a relationship counselling service, where someone who is suitably trained will listen to the viewpoints of both people in a relationship and will try and facilitate harmony in whatever direction that happens to go. My wife has used the prospect of Relate as a threat before. Perhaps that is a little unfair. I have perceived her calls to go to Relate – which are usually made during one of our arguments, and once I’m well and truly within meltdown – as a threat. We last talked about it, and this time rather more soberly a couple of months ago. Neither of us actually made the call at that time.

But a couple of weeks ago, she did. She quietly dropped it into conversation once the kids were in bed one night. I was shocked and a little hurt that she’d just gone ahead and not actually spoken about it with me first. Its not as though I actually would have disagreed.

We’ve had an introductory session, and more are scheduled for the weeks ahead. I found the first session quite difficult emotionally, but as I’ve always found, opening up to a stranger is actually quite simple to do. Somehow, I find it easier to turn my thoughts into words. Perhaps I know that I’m not going to get them thrown right back at me, and then struggle to find a suitable response. In other words, the Relate setting facilitates a non-confrontational way of me to express my feelings. That’s a good thing. However, I worry about what I’m going to say on Friday morning, when we go back for the next session.

You see, I’ve been thinking a lot, and very open-mindedly. I wouldn’t normally do that, perhaps because I would be scared of what the outcome would be. Ordinarily if my thoughts took me to a place where I decided that actually everyone would be better off if my wife and I separated, I would not be able to face actually having the conversation with my wife about it. I fear the confrontation so much that I’ll go as far as not thinking about certain possibilities to avoid having to actually go through it.

But Relate has altered that balance. If I need to have that conversation, it can be done with a neutral third party present, and somehow that removes the threat of confrontation for me. This change in balance has been surprisingly liberating. I have found myself thinking through possibilities for the future that really would be off limits normally.

Let me share one with you. It may appear gloomy and depressing, and in a way it is – however it feels quite rational to me right now.

If I look at my extended family, then I don’t see a very happy nor comfortable picture. My dad is the only one of four siblings every to marry or even maintain any form of long term partnership at least during my adult years (and thus the scope of my knowledge). My dad’s brother and one of his sisters died over the last decade on their own. Alone. My dads other sister is a spinster too. My parents have a 40 year marriage, but it is not what you would call conventionally successful, and it is clear from things that my mum says, and letters she has written me in the past that my dad drives her near to insanity much of the time. They stay together, but that seems to be much to do with a fear of living alone in their old age. My brother, aged 36, is to the best of my knowledge single, and does not appear to have had a long term relationship in around ten years. He lives alone, in his own flat.

That really isn’t a rosy picture of happy relationships. I for my part am in the ninth year of the relationship with my wife. I don’t make her happy the majority of the time. She doesn’t trust me to get things done (despite the fact I am quite practical and do get things done), and frequently refers to me as the third child in the family – often in front of the kids. We argue frequently, invariably about how I don’t make her happy. I have been told in all seriousness by her on a number of occasions over the last couple of years that she feels trapped in the relationship due to the kids and her lack of independent means to extract herself.

I feel that I try very hard to make things work. My wife for her part states the same. I feel unloved, unheard and that I’m not understood by anyone. I also feel that it is getting harder and harder for me to maintain my act of normality – the thin veneer that I exude in front of everyone to try and show that I’m not as different from them as I actually am. I’m tired, not sleeping properly, stressed and very anxious. I dare say I’m depressed too.

But I feel quite rational.

And the rationality in all of the above right now says to me that the best outcome for everyone – me, my wife and my kids – is for me to leave. It wouldn’t be an instant cure by any means, but perhaps six months down the road things would be heading in the right direction. You see, a separation would ultimately remove the primary cause of the unhappiness experienced by my wife, and the constant disappointment of me failing to meet what she considers to be easy-to-meet needs. It would make me happier too. My stress and anxiety levels would drop due to me not being constantly on edge at home, scared of confrontation, and I would undoubtedly end up with more me time on my own – something that I need in order to be happy, yet don’t feel exists for me right now. The kids would be happier too once things settle down. The unhappiness of both of their parents is rubbing off on them, at times very obviously. They are unhappy and I would bet quite confused right now as to why both their parents keep flying off the handle with them.

What’s more, the track record of my extended family suggests that I will lose in the end at any rate. Regardless of the outcome of these Relate sessions, there would appear to be a very good chance that I will eventually end up on my own. I don’t want to do what my parents have done, and stay together but unhappy – that wouldn’t be fair on my wife.

I don’t think this will be what my wife is expecting as the outcome of the sessions, however we have only been to one, so I may yet be wrong. I suspect, that she feels that the counsellor will be able to unlock some magic communication method that allows us to understand each other in a way that we’ve never done, and in a way that will ultimately allow us to sort out our unhappinesses and live happily ever after. Maybe that will happen. Maybe something else will. Maybe my point of view will have changed completely by Friday. Only time will tell.

But at least I’m considering all the options now, rather than suppressing anything that could lead to a difficult confrontation.

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