That explains nothing
Help.
I’m sorry to start with such a stark word, but I truly feel like I need some help right now.
Life with Asperger’s is at times full and happy, but I also find it to be filled with big periods of confusion, stress, anxiety, and unfortunately, hopelessness. These feelings have been so repetitive through my thirty-seven years, that they feel normal when I’m experiencing them. They are literally a normal part of my every day experience of life, and they are filling it right now.
A bit of painful truth: I’m destined to be alone. I seem to be unable to keep relationships strong. Specifically, I have never offered women what they need to remain happy in a relationship with me. The big hole in my relationship with my wife is now and always has been romance. She needs it, and – fairly – expects it from me. I appear to be unable to offer it.
Over the years this has caused a lot of unhappiness and resentment in our relationship which ultimately boils over into arguments. The phrase “Why are we here again?” is now forever etched into my brain, along with the feelings of shame and guilt that it conjures in me.
And so to the title of this post. My initial that explains everything moment started it all. I intuitively understood the relationship between Aspergers and me from the start. It really did explain everything as far as I was concerned, and that provided immense relief. I started the blog, and everything here, from the initial tentative sharing of my previously internalised thoughts, through my formal diagnosis last year, to today, with all the difficult times and good that there have been along the way – everything here has really been for the benefit of my wife. I didn’t know that when I started. It has has only really occurred to me this morning that it truly is the case.
It’s true. You see, I’ve failed to get my point of view across verbally. My wife and I speak different languages although the words are the same. I have tried to get my point of view across many times, and yet somehow the words I say mean something different to my wife than the way they were intended by me. In the last two years I’ve invested a lot of time and poured a huge amount of emotion into my words here. From the blog comments and the private emails it is clear that much of what I’ve written has struck a chord with those of you who’ve paid me the very great honour of reading what I’ve written.
Whilst that is comforting, the one person that I really hoped would find a new understanding from it all hasn’t. My wife reads this blog, but yet I feel like my best attempts to explain myself are still being misinterpreted. To my wife, this blog – and indeed the aspergers itself explain nothing.
So on this bleak morning after yet another “Why are we here again?” evening, I’m genuinely asking for your help. That means you if you are my wife, you if you are a long term reader and you if you just stumbled upon this article by accident. I’m interested in NT thoughts, but perhaps more than anything else I’m interested in the thoughts of those of you who are on the spectrum yourselves.
How do I make romance work?
How do you make romance work?
To me, romance feels like a concept that applies to other people, not me. It is abstract, and as I’ve written before, I have real genuine trouble with abstract concepts. I have no inbuilt definition of how it works and what I need to do to apply it. To me it is devoid of logic – a mystery that I don’t know how to even begin to solve.
Can I learn it? If so, what do I need to know, and what do I need to do?
Where do I start?
Please help if you feel that you can. You can comment privately via the contact form if you prefer.
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7 Comments to “That explains nothing”
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I read a post (I wish I could remember where, I would refer you to it, but the blogger had got his wife to make up a set of cards with things that would make her feel appreciated (breakfast in bed, flowers, dinner at a nice restaurant), and then he would pick a card randomly once a week or so and do whatever it said for her. The thing was, she had chosen what to write on the cards, the things that she would feel were romantic (that being subjective). You could try enlisting your wife to do that. I will keep you both in my prayers.
There seem to be a lot of books on this topic: http://www.amazon.com/Best-Books-Autism-Aspergers-Relationships/lm/2S6MFCK9FPHRX
Such as:
Aspergers in Love
Making an Asperger Marriage Work
Aspergers Syndrome and Long Term Relationships
There are also books your wife can read.
I think it is important to ask yourself if *you* are happy with your wife. It’s obvious that you a not happy with the situation, but how do you feel about her as your partner and lover? Is she the/a woman you want to be with?
If yes, it thinks it helps to articulate why. It may be really good to focus on this and even write all the reasons. It could be something you can share with her, or it could be something that gives you some motivation or some clarity about what do do.
If not, that can helped too. Maybe this is not a good relationship for you, maybe she does not fulfill your needs. That could give you clarity too.
Romance = ???????
I don’t understand it either. I don’t think that I ever will. I feel that it is something that cannot be learned, or taught. I have tried many times to be romantic. It never seems to work though. There is no formula. No sequence of events that you can create that equal romance. It is a purely emotional thing. You can do things that will present a romantic environment were romance is possible, but there always seems to be something missing (in my experience). I have never been able to pull it off. The harder that I have tried the to be romantic the worst that it was received.
I am sorry.
I don’t want to reply that there is no help for this situation, for I desperately need it myself.
Floating in the same boat.
AJ
James, how are you doing?
After re-reading this particular post, I realise it has been directed at me and so will reply.
James, I’m always happy to talk but not via a blog.
I could e-mail you but wouldn’t know what to say that hasn’t already been said. I am happy to forget the issue of ‘romance’,until I once again get to the point of feeling ‘taken for granted’,and not at all valued.
Have a good day. x
Marriage is really difficult. You can’t assess you marriage based on whether you feel “happy” right now. Sometimes you go through tough times in which neither of you is happy. It’s about a commitment.
The book by Ashley Sanford about Aspergers and Long Term relationships is really insightful. It gives practical examples and lets you hear from NT spouses about how they feel with their AS partners and how they have adjusted. One of her suggestions is having difficult conversations in the dark so that the AS partner isn’t sensory overloaded and the sensory awareness playing field is more level.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Having the same fight over and over is the same problem. You have to try something different. Maybe emailing would be different even if the same thing was said.
Hang in there!