Self expression
Thoughts and feelings. Self expression. It’s vital. Yet how do you express yourself when you don’t have friends? And what happens if you don’t express yourself?
These thoughts have been on my mind recently, so I thought I’d write about them a little.
I have considerable trouble expressing myself clearly to other people, particularly when feelings are involved. There are a few problems at play here, that conspire together to make something that should be straight forward just too difficult a lot of the time.
The first big problem is who to express myself to. My observation of the world over the years suggests that my answer to this question is rather different to that of most people. My best guess is that the usual answer is that you should speak to the person that is most appropriate. That may be your spouse, close friends, family, more casual friends, business colleagues, your doctor, your counsellor, the girl behind the bar. The answer really depends on what you need to express and why.
The answer that works for me, however, is to talk to my wife. I rarely confide in anyone else. Why? Well, as you’ve quite likely read before on this blog, friends are something of a problem and an enigma to me. I’ve never really managed to have good friends from my early teens, when life started to get beyond friends being there to play simple games with. I dont have an inner circle of trusted people in my life, or even an outer circle for that matter. I have my wife.
Secondly, there is a language problem. I’ve tried to explain this before on the blog, I think. I often find it difficult to translate my thoughts and feelings into words. Its like I speak a different language inside my head, one based far more on visuals than on words themselves. Sometimes, I can’t find the right verbal words to express what I’m thinking or feeling. I know how I think or feel, but I can’t express that to you in any sort of meaningful way.
Another issue at play is really a consequence of the other two, and of a lifetime of faux-pas. My self confidence is shot. A lack of self confidence compounds the above two problems, and means that I often don’t trust that my thoughts and feelings are worthwhile or even correct.
When added together, these problems make a potent block on self expression.
What happens when you don’t express your thoughts and feelings? In my case they get bottled up. I have bottled up my feelings for years, and the more this happens, the more they create a pressure that needs to be relieved.
The sort of self expression that ends up happening via pressure relief is often unpleasant. It frequently shows via anxiety or depression or both. Confusion and desperation can also put in an appearance, turning something that may have started out as a minor annoyance or even as a pleasant thought into a seemingly bleak hopeless spiral, which is often ends up expressed horribly inappropriately.
Clearly, bottling things up is not a good option although I do an enormous amount of it.
What I try and do these days to counter this problem is write.
This blog is more about self expression than anything else. It doesn’t really matter whether anyone reads what I write, although I’m continually amazed and flattered that people do, and from time to time find it useful. What really matters to me, is that this blog gives me an opportunity to express myself in an unhindered way. What you read here is pure me, with all of my faults. Indeed, my openness has grown over the time that I have been writing here. Unfortunately though, I can’t express everything that I would like to. There are some areas that are just too personal to cover. Whilst I write pseudonymously, there are people who read this blog and do know me in real life.
Writing works, though. With writing, I have the time and ability to express what I want to say clearly. I can (and do) go back and revise what I’ve written, sometimes several times, before I publish my thoughts. I like that – it works well for me, and I end up feeling like I’ve expressed my inner thoughts quite well. It is satisfying, and is also often something of a pressure relief valve.
How do I deal with those other thoughts and feelings that I can’t express here? At the moment, I don’t. That’s really not good.
I’ve paid for counselling in the past, and found that with the right counsellor, I can and do open up and express the sorts of thoughts and feelings I can’t express in any other way. I can’t afford to pay for a counsellor for the rest of my life though, which leaves me wondering if there is a solution.
Do you have any suggestions? How do you cope with this sort of problem?
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4 Comments to “Self expression”
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I have a close group of friends through my church, 4 other women, who know me really well and love me anyway! We agreed to meet about once a week although we talk more than that as the week goes on. What I love the most about this group of friends is that I don’t even have to tell them when I’m upset – they know me well enough to look at me and say “what’s wrong.” Of course that is because we have been together as a group for almost 8 years. In the beginning we did have to open and up and learn to trust each other. But now – since we know each other so well – it’s easier to communicate. My pastor has a line he likes to say: “You need 2 am friends in your life.” Who would you call at 2 am if you needed someone? You can actually agree with other people to be their 2 am friend.
While I know that you have different challenges than I do with communication, there are so many people who feel alone even when they have friends. It’s important to cultivate people around you who value relationships and love people enough to do what it takes to get along with each other. Relationships take work and effort – even friendship. The pastor at my church really stresses for us the need to get close to people and love one another. We all need that! I’m very blessed to have him as my pastor and my church friends who feel like family to support me through life. And I am glad to be there for them during their times of trouble and just to have fun! Not every church is great about teaching us to love one another. But if you can find one that does – go there and find some people to hang out with!
Hi cynsurf,
It’s good to hear that you’ve found something that works well for you that brings you great friendships. It gives hope that someone like me can maybe find something that works for me too.
Unfortunately, despite your suggestion, I can’t see it being any sort of religious undertaking. I have something of a problem with organised religion – no-one’s beliefs seem to be in line with mine. I think my natural over-use of logic goes a long way to explaining why this may be a problem. Ideas like heaven, hell, and gods all feel like superstitious magic to me.
I hope you don’t take offense at that – it is not my intent, although I can see how it could be construed that way. I’m very much for people believing in what works for them, indeed I think it is good for people.
So ultimately, I’m glad you’ve found something that works for you on so many levels.
Maybe a science club with other autistic people would be more up my street?
James
I’m definitely not offended. I love that people are so open and honest on this blog. We can have different perspectives and still be respectful of each other.
You shouldn’t have to check your mind at the door when you enter a church. You should be allowed to use your logic to understand what the church believes. Many people feel the way you do about organized religion and I guess some have had experiences that confirm that belief.
Check out an “Alpha” class sometime. It’s a class offered by churches that is meant for people who aren’t a part of the church. It goes over the basic beliefs of Christianity in a discussion format and encourages people to frankly speak their mind about what they believe. It is interesting to hear other’s opinions.
I guess I was suggesting a church because they are focused on people and getting along with them no matter what. Or at least they should be. And that church has been such an integral part of my life and my church friends are like family that have supported me through really rough times.
Hello,
Interestingly I have the exact same problem and I dont know what to do about it. I also read your article of slow thinking and it describes me as well. Its very frustrating to be in a position like that.
I spend most of my time on the computer have few friends but no one really is my best friend who knows everything about me. All are distant from me because of 2 things….
1. slow social intution
2. unable to express self
people picture me as boring but i am actually not. I know im not.