Seeing both sides

Well, I’m glad it’s not just me. Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg on her Asperger Journeys blog has written a lovely article about how she sees both sides of the story.

Rachel writes:

When I told the OT about this experience, she nearly started to cry. She said, “This is part of your sensitivity to the world. You can stand in everyone’s shoes. It’s a gift, but you have to balance it by reading about something positive and uplifting, too.”

I’ve always had this ability too.

I have to be honest, and say that I find it difficult to see it as a gift. The problem I’ve found is that by seeing both sides in a conflict I then find it impossible to side with one person over the other. I end up sitting on the fence, as anything else would cause me too much internal conflict.

Over the years this has caused considerable friction with friends and work colleagues. With my Aspie nature of being easy to talk to and confide in, I’ve often been told of some perceived injustice by friends and peers alike. The teller of the tale is after empathy and probably sympathy too, but I’ve usually not offered it. Instead, to get the logic right in my head, I’ve asked for more info about the situation, and ended up being able to see both sides of the story. Armed with this knowledge I’ve found it impossible to take sides.

I can see how those who confide in me find this annoying. If you feel that you can confide in someone, you expect them to empathise with you when you do. Until I discovered my AS, the friction I’d end up causing in these situations caused me considerable surprise and anxiety, pretty much every time it happened. I couldn’t see why my response caused the trouble it did.

These days of course, I have a new frame of reference, and I can take more care. I can’t say that I’m likely to sit on the fence much less frequently – doing that would cause me profound discomfort – but at least I see why it happens, and can take Rachel and her therapist’s advice and de-stress myself afterwards by looking at something positive.

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