Thanks for the lovely comments about the blog.

Writing how I have managed to get into relationships is a good idea – I’ll add it to the list of things to write about, and no, I don’t think it’s an inappropriate thing to ask.

In short, in all of the relationships I’ve been in, the woman did the running, and found a way that allowed me to communicate. This generally wasn’t the traditional face to face spoken way of hooking up.

If you play to your skills, then deep meaningful relationships are entirely possible. You just have to accept that you are very unlikely to get them in the traditional way that your NT peers use.

It’s good to have you on board – I hope you stick around and continue to contribute.

James

Like you, I almost always start out as the “male girl-friend”. That nice and gentle guy she can open up to and be herself around. I just can’t do the open and direct flirting most of my peers do, and quite frankly I rarely want to flirt with a girl when I first meet her. Seems shallow and superficial somehow. I don’t know if I even like her yet.

But, as the relationship (in the friendly sense) evolves and the signs and hints towards something more happen, I completely miss them and when this has gone on long enough I inevitably end up back as the “male girl-friend”, and in most cases we eventually drift apart. Like with most friends I make.

Looking back I can think of a handful of situations just like you described where I’ve completely missed the signs, and I can sit and beat myself up about it for hours. I’m currently single, I’ve always been single, and I can’t imagine ever moving past that friend stage with a woman. I just don’t know how. Any hints she may send my way go overlooked until later, when the moment is gone. The signs I try to put out there are obviously not interpreted correctly either, or I simply don’t get that they are…

That’s why I must admit I find your life very interesting, because you obviously did manage to move past this at some point. If you don’t mind me asking about an intensely private subject like this (Is this inappropriate? I never can tell. ), how did you eventually end up with your wife? Perhaps a subject for a blog post at some point?

Thanks for putting your thoughts here on this blog though. You’ve opened my eyes to so many sides of my own personality. I’m currently in the undiagnosed-and-wondering phase, so the traits I recognise from your posts are making my more and more sure I am indeed an Aspie.

I know that I’m often difficult to read, but that over time my wife has found it easier and easier to guess correctly. If you sty friendly with this chap, then chance are you’ll start to understand his dynamics better too.

Whilst I can’t possibly know the motives of your friend, I do wonder if perhaps you interrupted him from something he was deeply involved in when you called him?

When I get interrupted, I tend to be grumpy, and forget my manners. Context can be lost over the phone, which may have made this sort of thing even less obvious. He may well have been trying to convey the whole, “can’t you tell I’m busy?” thing, but without it coming across over the phone at all.

Just a thought.

If he is anything like me, he will be very happy in his aloneness some of the time – indeed he’ll crave it if he doesn’t get it. However I also crave interaction and intimacy with others, and I’d guess he does too. I’m not always in control of which of these sets of desires I need at any given time, and I often can’t articulate what I need.

You do seem to understand him well. I’d bet you are right that he’d feel terrible if he thought he’d upset you, and that he wasn’t meaning to.

For what it’s worth – and I can kind of see you dancing around this sort of thing in your comments – if you do end up in a relationship with this chap, he will keep the mannerisms and moods that he has now. In other words, he won’t change. He’ll open up to you, in time, but he’ll still at times feel unapproachable or seem rude. At times he’ll want to be alone, even if he doesn’t tell you. As you already know, he won’t mean to be like this – it’s just the way he is.

If you are the sort of woman who can see past that sort of thing to the kind-hearted man inside, then you may end up with a loving, deep and long lasting relationship.

Only you know whether that is the case or not.

Why not take it slow and not jump to any decisions? Can you email him? Writing often works a treat.

Was all that a little to blunt? I hope not.

I too have rarely been involved in the decision process to date – it has almost invariably been suggested by the woman involved. I have always said yes.

Only once in my travels through the world of intimate relationships have I initiated the end of the relationship. In every other case, she did the dismissing, and I almost invariably didn’t see it coming.

As I mentioned to Jake, above, I think that people in our shoes may have it a little easier in the dating game these days, due to Internet dating. At least this allows for a slow, written vetting process that doesn’t necessarily rely on first impressions.

Phew. So I’m not crazy. I didn’t think I was.

Amazingly, the article itself was easy to write. I think the detail of it has been wandering around inside my head for a long time – years in fact. Once I opened the door to let some of it out, it all just poured out without any difficulty at all. Quite a lot of the articles I write happen like that too.

If I can find a life partner, then ultimately so can you. It requires hard work, a lot of will power and the right sort of woman, and even then, luck will ultimately throw the final dice.

I have found that all of my successful long term relationships have been with strong and forthright women. Women that aren’t afraid to speak their minds, and who are happy to do the running if I’m not able to. These women have typically had a vulnerable side too, and in a very real sense, I have skills to offer the relationship that they lack just as much as they can help plug the gaps that are missing in me.

This is a very different way to select a suitable partner than the usual way, as far as I can tell, but maybe it is likely to be a more successful way.

My relationship with my wife started off on a very shaky footing, and it took a lot of hard work on my part to keep it going in the early days. It was tough and bewildering for me – no two ways about it. I think down inside I subconsciously knew that we were a good match. Maybe I’d had enough relationship experience to know what sort of skills and temperament a woman would need to get on with me – and I could see that she had them.

We’ve had our ups and downs, but ultimately, after seven and a half years we are still very accepting of each other and we make a good partnership that accentuates our respective strengths.

This may sound crazy, but have you tried online dating? I know that if I was single now, it is the method that I’d be using. Why? Because I can express myself far better in writing than by any other method.

You can take things at any pace you want, and only meet prospective dates after you’ve established a good written rapport.

Of course, you may be happier staying single. I crave alone time too, even in my (mostly) happy relationship.

It is really helpful to hear James’ and other’s perspectives to help me to understand him. But last night I had all but decided that I can’t hang out with him anymore. I had called him up to ask him if he wanted to get together to talk and he turned me down (which is fine) but in such an abrupt, blunt way that it was hurtful. I didn’t tell him he was being hurtful I just got off the phone as fast as I could.

Now I understand that he didn’t know he was hurting me, didn’t intend to hurt me and would most likely be horrified to know that he hurt me. So my discussing this with him seems useless. But even though I know he didn’t intend it – it was still hurtful. And it is hard to hang out with someone – even as a friend who hurts you – no matter how unintentional.

I guess I need to either adjust my level of sensitivity – but it is hard to do that – or I need to have a long drawn out discussion about how he hurt me in detail so he can understand and frankly I don’t know if he cares that much to have that discussion. I don’t know how to find out if he wants to have that discussion. I don’t know if our relationship, at the level it is right now, is close enough for me to expect to have discussions like that.

So I just want to walk away, say nothing, and lick my wounds. I imagine that this happens to people with AS all the time. People walk away and they never know why. Sometimes I think he is just happy alone in his own little world and I am just disrupting it to try and have a relationship – even a friendship with him.

So I guess I am trying to say that if you feel misunderstood as a person with AS, understand that a NT person also feels misunderstood when interacting with you. I can accept that since I have more social skills and can explain things well that I should bear more of the burden to make the effort, the first move, etc. It is just hard to know if that is what the person with AS even wants. How do you discover that?

It is hard to interpret other people to begin with. Then add the pressure of romantic/sexual interest and it can be confusing and overwhelming. Women tend to give off subtle signals that are easily missed or misinterpreted. To us they are invisible.

We as males are expected to be the aggressor in pursuing a relationship. For myself this was nearly impossible. I have had a few serious relationships, but I never asked one of them out to start with. It was always the female who took action to begin things (like in your missed opportunity stories). I was only dating for a few years when I met my wife and got married. If that had not happened I would most likely have given up trying to find someone in a few years time. It was very stressful and uncomfortable. Full of anxiety and depression.

In hindsight things can seem so clear that it is easy to forget how unclear and confusing they were at the time.