Just get on with it

I’ve been told recently that “you just have to get on with it” when I’ve explained about my Asperger’s.

It’s very clear that the person meant well, and to put things into a slightly wider context, what they were really saying was that you have the cards that you’ve been dealt, and you just need to accept that and get on with things and make the most of it. They don’t want to see me get dragged down by my thinking about AS, and they also feel that if I put a bit more effort in, I could be that bit more normal. “You can learn”, I was told.

I appreciate the sentiment, but there is a clear misunderstanding about AS by the person who passed the above comment, one that I struggled to tell them verbally at the time.

I can perhaps best illustrate it by looking at my past. A year ago, I didn’t know what Asperger’s was. I was 35 years old, and had always muddled the best way I could through life. Muddled is an apt word – I have always seen the world, and how people interact and get on with things in particular to be a little odd. I always had, however, just got on with life, in the best way I knew how.

I’ve struggled at times with loneliness brought on through a seeming lack of ability to make and keep friendships with others. My social life through University and through to this day has been dismal. In a typical month I’ll socialise outside of my family no times whatsoever.

My life at work has been mixed. I work in IT, so changing jobs every couple of years, which I have done,  is not seen as much of a problem. A couple of times I’ve been made redundant, but on other occasions my leaving has, if I’m honest, been sparked by me getting a bad reputation with my bosses. Almost everywhere I’ve worked I’ve ended up causing trouble in one way or another. I don’t set out to do it, but I hate to see dishonesty and stupidity in management, and I’m somewhat infamous for writing my thoughts in an email and sending it off to management. This rarely goes down well, despite my best intentions. The guilt after the fact is intense. I’ve had a boss use this against me in the past, and in general it’s ended up hastening my exit.

Anxiety has followed me around for at least the last 25 years. At times it’s not so bad, and at other times it’s crippling. I find it difficult to communicate via the phone at work, and resort to email whenever I can. Face to face works for me when it’s just me and one other person, but larger group meetings are tricky due to sensory overload issues.

So, to make this clear, I have spent 35 years oblivious to my AS, and in effect just getting on with life. Whilst there have been undeniable personal triumphs – I have a wife, two kids, and I’ve always been employed – I think the above shows that I’ve experienced a good deal of problems that are directly attributable to my AS.

Despite making the best of things I’ve failed to make many friends, and I’ve lost many of those I did make. I’ve got no social life to speak of, and I make trouble at work for myself despite my best intentions. I have an anxiety problem that at times criples me.

I’ve spent a good deal of time over the last few months mulling over my AS, and it’s this inward looking that has lead to the comments of “just get on with it”.

Only by understanding my Asperger’s can I move on and start to find strategies that help improve the areas of my life that I find difficult.

So whilst I appreciate the sentiment in being told to “just get on with it”, you are going to have to excuse me whilst I spend whatever time I need to learn and come to terms with what makes me the person I am.

Then I can get on with it.

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