Guilt

I like to think that in general my writing here is upbeat and positive. That isn’t always how I feel though, and this article reflects that. If that isn’t your thing, then maybe you’ll want to skip reading this time. This article also has some adult themes in places. You have been warned.

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Guilt.

I’m feeling a lot of it now, and for very specific reasons.

In short, I don’t feel good enough.

I’m not good enough for my wife, she deserves better. I don’t meet all of her emotional needs, and I typically don’t see when she needs some TLC from me.

When I do see that she needs some TLC, I struggle to know how to respond. It doesn’t come naturally to me. It’s not that I don’t care – I do of course, I just don’t seem to be able to use my brain in a way that allows me to make decisions on what is appropriate in situations like this. “Just buy me a little something every now and then”, she’ll say. But that doesn’t work for me. What do I buy? I have no idea. When inspiration occasionally strikes, I worry that my choice is a bad one. It has been some times in the past, so I now feel I can’t trust the ideas I have.

Most normal people (and I include many men in this) do not have a problem in this area. So why do I? It’s not good enough, and it makes me feel incredibly guilty and frankly quite miserable that I can’t keep my wife happy.

My wife actually put it quite succinctly a few nights ago. It’s like I learned the physical side of intimacy, and paid enough attention to that to ensure that I was proficient, but then forgot about all the other aspects that are involved. I don’t do romance. My wife says she feels neglected at times.

She’s right, of course. Physical intimacy makes sense to me, and everything else surrounding it doesn’t. I’ve always tried to use physical intimacy to express my love, and as such have concentrated on making that side of things special for my loved one. But that doesn’t always work, does it? You can’t always make love to show someone you care. Sometimes they want support or to feel loved in other ways. Could I describe those other ways to you? Erm, well, not easily, no. I really do have trouble in understanding them and putting them into words.

My reliance on the physical aspects of showing love has caught me out in other ways in the past too. I can’t always judge all that well what is appropriate and what isn’t, and have been overtly sexual to female friends. The problem here is that expressing love physically is what seems natural to me. I want to show them I care, and, well, it can get messy and cost friends, as I have found out.

Another area that I don’t feel good enough at is being a parent. Perhaps no-one does – fathers especially.

I have always tried to be very hands on with my kids – I was heavily involved in changing nappies when they were small, and in feeding them, and bathing them and generally caring for them.

But now that they are a little older (they are five and three) I feel decidedly out of my depth. My son is learning to aggressively push boundaries, and his little sister is learning to copy him. This, I would imagine, is trying for the most competent and together of parents, but I’m finding it difficult to find the right words and actions to meter out the right degree of discipline. After a hard day at work for me, they are often noisy and aggressive, and I find that side of things to be a bit much from a sensory point of view. It can sometimes be difficult to keep my own aggression at bay.

Of course this makes me feel incredibly guilty as well, and something of a failure.

The final area where I feel guilty about not being good enough is at work.

I’m working on a contract basis in my current job, so I’m being relatively well paid versus the permanent members of staff. At the moment I’m struggling to actually get work done. There are no two ways about it – I’m not currently worth the money that my employers are paying me. I don’t like letting people down, and hence, once more, I feel very guilty that I’m not pulling my weight.

All of which is very negative and makes me feel very gloomy.

My ideas about what I should be able to achieve and my measures of these ideals are still very neuro typical. When I don’t live up to my own high standards – especially when I feel that my own lack of performance is impacting on other people – I feel very guilty.

Do any of you also feel this sort of guilt?

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