I’ll try and answer some points individually a little later on – I’m rather busy here at the moment.

Thank you all for your thoughts!

My overall take on this issue is very different. To me, the reason that NTs get a free pass on the empathy thing is that there are simply more of them. When a neuro-typical person sees someone in distress, chances are that the person in distress is neuro-typical, that the person in distress is communicating cues that other neuro-typical people understand, and that the person responding will know what the person in distress needs. If the neuro-typical person is responding to an autistic person, chances are that the neuro-typical person will miss what the autistic person feels and needs.

I have found this to be true with my NT husband and my Aspie self. There have been many times that I’ve been in distress and just plain expected that my husband knew what I needed: that he knew how acute my discomfort was, that he knew why I was feeling the distress, and that he knew what to do. I’d even say to him, “Hey! I need some empathy here!” and he’d be totally confused. And we’re talking about a very gentle, very sensitive, very compassionate person. But how could he intuitively know what I need? He doesn’t experience the world as I do. He doesn’t feel everything as acutely. He doesn’t get overwhelmed the minute he walks out the front door. The only reason he knows how to respond to much of my experience is because I’ve used my words and explained to him how I feel.

For instance, I had to explain what happens to me in crowds (i.e. instant overload). He didn’t pick it up intuitively. Why should he? He doesn’t work that way. So now that I’ve explained my distress, if we end up in a crowd (God forbid), he’ll just look at me and say, “You’re gone, aren’t you?” He knows how to read the signals now, because I’ve told him what they mean.

Of course, now I just tell him to read my blog.

Not a single one of us on the spectrum is exactly the same. I know one Aspie who has the best sense of wordplay I’ve ever seen, and I know another who thinks in extremely literal terms. It’s very individual.

cynsurf: Anna,I am new to these sites and have a hard time keeping people straight.

I didn’t mean that you should be keeping track and thus already know.

I wrote “I don’t think I have AS.
Read through the comments here.” I meant them as two separate statements. I did not mean you should read all those comments in order to keep track of who does and does not have AS. I suggested reading through those comments because there is a discussion of whether “people with AS can pick up subtleties in writing”.
It starts at
http://www.thatexplainseverything.com/experience/where-is-everyone/#comment-496

I can see how it came across to you as one message in two sentences, it does look like that, and I would have read it that way myself. I was in a hurry and did not take care.

cynsurf: I guess I assumed from your knowledge of AS that you had it – sorry for the assumption.Cynthia

If you go back earlier in the comments you’ll see that I did wonder if I had it, but now I think I don’t. I’m still very interested.

I am new to these sites and have a hard time keeping people straight. I guess I assumed from your knowledge of AS that you had it – sorry for the assumption.

Cynthia

I’ve read of others besides myself who have adopted the persona of ‘clown’ as a way of being acceptable. But I think it is a learned skill… I am very aware of timing, pacing, word play, intonation.

So if there are other markers for AS, don’t let the fact that you can get a joke dissuade you. You may just not be as seriously affected as another Aspie who can only interpret things literally.

cynsurf:Clearly people with AS can pick up subtleties in writing since both you and Anna had very insightful comments about what I wrote.

I don’t think I have AS.
Read through the comments here. http://www.thatexplainseverything.com/experience/where-is-everyone/

I think our neurology may have more variation from individual to individual than the average NT, but that’s just supposition on my part.

In any case… each person, whether ASD or NT, is a unique individual and putting that in the forefront of your brain will help you find what works best with the actual living being in front of you. =0) What works for me may drive your acquaintance absolutely ’round the bend; use what we tell you as a springboard, not as gospel.

The ONLY person who can truly say is the person you know, so check in with them and listen to what they say… especially if there’s a long delay, as that may signal something hard to put into words.

This process of simplifying… distilling conversation to its very essence in words is a real process of self-discovery that will no doubt illuminate a lot of your own assumptions and understandings of others.

Just try putting your hands in your lap, wiping any expression off your face, and conveying something deeply meaningful to you in words alone…

Did your brain lock up? =0)

Your response and Anna’s also answered another one of my questions. Clearly people with AS can pick up subtleties in writing since both you and Anna had very insightful comments about what I wrote.

Absolutely nothing personal in what I’m about to say, but you sound like what I call a ‘super-emoter’, which comes across to me as an Aspie as LOUD even when you’re not talking. The constant use of gestures, exagerrated facial expressions, attempts to make eye-contact…. GAH!!! Overwhelming! And then the ‘super-emoter’ starts to talk and I just can’t even begin to keep track of what’s going on in the maelstrom of sensory data coming in, so I tend to shut down, shut the emoter out, stay away from them.

Any other Aspie here have that experience?

So it may be that your basic, instinctual mode of expression is TOO much for an Aspie and needs to be waaaaay toned down, which may feel oppressive to you.

If you talk like you write (lengthy), you may be overwhelming your [potential] friend with words… try shorter ‘sound bites’. Longer pauses to allow for information integration and response.

The people whose company I enjoy most can be very low-key, don’t talk a lot and when they do it’s meaningful, not small talk chatter. And they are able to wait for my input. And they don’t assume they know my mind, they check in with me.

You sound like a nice person, but this may well be difficult for you. Good luck.