Very much so… our inability to detect and decifer subtle non-verbal cues means we don’t have the necessary information to respond appropriately to many situations, those calling for empathy included.

Another twist on Aspie empathy… we are inclined to respond practically, rather than emotionally. By which I mean we immediately start to find a way to solve the problem, rather than expressing just emotional support. For example, if I see someone trip and fall, I will turn and start to help them. If they don’t need my help, then I tend not to make all the comforting noises that NTs make, I just wait for them or return to what I was doing.

If it’s apparent there is nothing I can do, then I don’t engage, but take more of a stand back and let others handle it stance. It’s not that I don’t care, but that I have nothing to contribute and all the commotion doesn’t need me adding to it… my compassionate contribution in that case is to stay out of the way and wait to be directed, or allow the other person to find their own solutions.

It’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I have a different way of responding.

This blog (and all the comments) is so insightful to me. As you may know from my previous comments, I am a NT with very little experience of anyone with AS, or so I thought. I just really have never considered much of what you talk about on this blog. I have a new friend who I am trying to “connect” with who I suspect is on the spectrum. So I have been reading about AS online to try to understand better. I say “connect” because that is what I feel is lacking and more importantly very unusual in my experience of normal social interaction. I am a very empathetic person. I can usually feel what people feel without having it explained to me. I have many times had people say that I understand them. Or it is so easy to talk to me or open up to me. There is a trust that happens because I understand them without words. To know and be known by another human being is a great feeling – you feel “connected” to them.

I am also a very expressive person. I have done some amateur acting and I have been told I have “stage presence” which is sort of the opposite of the “invisible” experience that you and Rachel have described. I don’t do anything to achieve this – it is sort of an innate trait that is hard to explain. My voice, my expressions, my gestures are all more exaggerated than the average person. So I am an easier person for the average NT to “read.” So basically, what you and others describe about the AS world is very foreign to me because the social interactions that you struggle with come so naturally to me that I don’t think about it much.

My observations from reading this blog and others is that there are variations of personality, gender, and maybe even cultural differences that have to be separated out to discover what is due to AS and what can be accounted for in other ways.

There has been many a wife who complains that their husband does not know what they are feeling and thinking. People ascribe this to a gender difference, often. Women think men should be able to read their minds. Instead they should just tell their husbands what they want and need rather than expect them to just know. Another male/female difference is that men often want to “fix” problems where as women sometimes need to just be “heard.” Women understand this about each other and we talk about thoughts and feelings with each other in a way that is harder to do with men. Men just want to take an action and get to the heart of things. They communicate information to solve the problem or to achieve a goal or an end rather than just to share and feel connected to the other person.

So what part of what you are writing about is the AS part and what part can be accounted for in other ways. I have a couple of observations that seem to be attributed to AS and not some other factors and would love to hear what people think.

1. AS people cannot read social situations, social cues or pick up on body language or even nuances in spoken language in REAL TIME. They need a longer time to process this information than NTs do. This becomes problematic in the flow of conversations. If you need more time to process, but the conversation flow requires an answer within a certain time frame, then you have to resort to the scripts that you talk about. Another problem with this is that for those of us who don’t need more time to process, we perceive pauses, or responses that don’t exactly match the question, or pat answers as deliberate choices. You say something vague because you don’t want to say what you are really thinking. You pause because you don’t know how to explain something someone doesn’t want to hear. When there is silence or no response – we put in our own insecurities. The thoughts in our head are things like “You must think I am too stupid to understand so you are patronizing me with a pat answer.” “You are hesitating because you have a problem with women in authority and you don’t want to say that to my face.” “That response was not responsive to my question – you must not be listening, or you must not be paying attention because you just don’t care!” The problem is that NT people also pause in conversations, answer questions non-responsively, and give preprogrammed pat answers to question – but intentionally to get another meaning across. Think of the politician who answers the debate question with a pre-planned party line. They don’t care what the reporter asked – they are just promoting their agenda. So for an NT how can we tell when you care and when you don’t?

2. AS people are without a “sense” in a way. They don’t perceive social cues as well as NT people do. They are more concrete thinkers -taking things literally and don’t always pick up on social nuances. This can be body language, inflection in tone of voice, nuances in language, etc. One question I have though – is it always an auditory problem – or do you have this problem with written language as well? Do you miss nuances in writing?

This being without a sense makes it difficult when interacting with others because we don’t know it. If I was dealing with someone who was blind – and they didn’t look me in the eye when talking to me – I wouldn’t assume that they don’t care. I would understand. If I was dealing with someone who was deaf – I wouldn’t complain that they were not listening to me.

This lack of sense also manifests itself not just in the way you are perceived, but also in how you express yourself. So to take the blind and deaf analogy a bit further. It is not only that you cannot see, but the vision of those who interact with you is effected as well. I can hear a deaf person, even if they can’t hear me. But with AS you also aren’t expressing social cues, inflections in tone, and nuances in language for NT’s to perceive and to understand you.

Being without this social “sense” means that communication needs to happen in a different way. And that means more time energy and effort on both sides. NT people, like all people, can be selfish and not want to take the time or spend the energy to figure out a different way to communicate. This probably explains part of the “invisibility” feeling that AS people experience.

I would like to bridge this gap in communication with my friend and this forum is so helpful to increasing my understanding. What I am gathering from these discussions online is that I have to spell everything out really clearly for my friend to understand. And I have to ask him to do the same – if he cares enough to do this. One of my dilemmas with all of this is that it does take energy and effort to be close to people. Not everyone values closeness. AS people, just like anyone else, may just not want to bother. So I guess that is a question that I have to discuss with my friend – do you want to be close or not? I suspect from looking at his life and lack of close friends, that this would not be an informed choice on his part. He appears to not really experiences closeness with others. So how can he say that he doesn’t want it – if he has never experiences it?

cynsurf…
“I am also a very expressive person. I have done some amateur acting and I have been told I have “stage presence” which is sort of the opposite of the “invisible” experience that you and Rachel have described. I don’t do anything to achieve this – it is sort of an innate trait that is hard to explain. My voice, my expressions, my gestures are all more exaggerated than the average person. ”

Absolutely nothing personal in what I’m about to say, but you sound like what I call a ’super-emoter’, which comes across to me as an Aspie as LOUD even when you’re not talking. The constant use of gestures, exagerrated facial expressions, attempts to make eye-contact…. GAH!!! Overwhelming! And then the ’super-emoter’ starts to talk and I just can’t even begin to keep track of what’s going on in the maelstrom of sensory data coming in, so I tend to shut down, shut the emoter out, stay away from them.

Any other Aspie here have that experience?

So it may be that your basic, instinctual mode of expression is TOO much for an Aspie and needs to be waaaaay toned down, which may feel oppressive to you.

If you talk like you write (lengthy), you may be overwhelming your [potential] friend with words… try shorter ’sound bites’. Longer pauses to allow for information integration and response.

The people whose company I enjoy most can be very low-key, don’t talk a lot and when they do it’s meaningful, not small talk chatter. And they are able to wait for my input. And they don’t assume they know my mind, they check in with me.

You sound like a nice person, but this may well be difficult for you. Good luck.

cynsurf,
It’s been my observation that SOME Aspies can work with written subtlety and others can’t. Or it may have to do with the emotional load the individual is under that particular day.

I think our neurology may have more variation from individual to individual than the average NT, but that’s just supposition on my part.

In any case… each person, whether ASD or NT, is a unique individual and putting that in the forefront of your brain will help you find what works best with the actual living being in front of you. =0) What works for me may drive your acquaintance absolutely ’round the bend; use what we tell you as a springboard, not as gospel.

The ONLY person who can truly say is the person you know, so check in with them and listen to what they say… especially if there’s a long delay, as that may signal something hard to put into words.

This process of simplifying… distilling conversation to its very essence in words is a real process of self-discovery that will no doubt illuminate a lot of your own assumptions and understandings of others.

Just try putting your hands in your lap, wiping any expression off your face, and conveying something deeply meaningful to you in words alone…

Did your brain lock up? =0)

Anna,
Having a good sense of humor doesn’t rule out AS. I have a great sense of humor, and can make folks roar with laughter, and can even take a little teasing from the right people, and I definitely have AS.

I’ve read of others besides myself who have adopted the persona of ‘clown’ as a way of being acceptable. But I think it is a learned skill… I am very aware of timing, pacing, word play, intonation.

So if there are other markers for AS, don’t let the fact that you can get a joke dissuade you. You may just not be as seriously affected as another Aspie who can only interpret things literally.

Hi James,

My overall take on this issue is very different. To me, the reason that NTs get a free pass on the empathy thing is that there are simply more of them. When a neuro-typical person sees someone in distress, chances are that the person in distress is neuro-typical, that the person in distress is communicating cues that other neuro-typical people understand, and that the person responding will know what the person in distress needs. If the neuro-typical person is responding to an autistic person, chances are that the neuro-typical person will miss what the autistic person feels and needs.

I have found this to be true with my NT husband and my Aspie self. There have been many times that I’ve been in distress and just plain expected that my husband knew what I needed: that he knew how acute my discomfort was, that he knew why I was feeling the distress, and that he knew what to do. I’d even say to him, “Hey! I need some empathy here!” and he’d be totally confused. And we’re talking about a very gentle, very sensitive, very compassionate person. But how could he intuitively know what I need? He doesn’t experience the world as I do. He doesn’t feel everything as acutely. He doesn’t get overwhelmed the minute he walks out the front door. The only reason he knows how to respond to much of my experience is because I’ve used my words and explained to him how I feel.

For instance, I had to explain what happens to me in crowds (i.e. instant overload). He didn’t pick it up intuitively. Why should he? He doesn’t work that way. So now that I’ve explained my distress, if we end up in a crowd (God forbid), he’ll just look at me and say, “You’re gone, aren’t you?” He knows how to read the signals now, because I’ve told him what they mean.

Of course, now I just tell him to read my blog.

Wow! Truly wonderful comments!

I’ll try and answer some points individually a little later on – I’m rather busy here at the moment.

Thank you all for your thoughts!