Thanks for taking the time to give such a well thought out reply.

In lots of ways I was hoping that someone would turn around and tell me that my definition of romance was a little out of the ordinary. I was honest about how I saw it, but I’ve always suspected that the way I see it is not the way that most others do.

So I’m glad that you’ve turned around and told me this. You’re right – making my wife’s life easier is really something practical.

I’m fine with the household appliances faux pas – I’ve never been tempted to buy something like this as a present, and I fully understand why it would be bad and would be taken as an insult.

Whilst it’s easy for me to see something like that, it’s very difficult for me to see what I could buy that is romantic – perhaps seeing the things not to buy is much easier than the things to buy.

Thanks for the wise words,

James

I think a romantic gift contains a positive emotional message.

E.g. say your wife has a mark on her face. If you buy her some concealer makeup, this will not be considered a romantic gift, because the message is “I have noticed your defect.”

OTOH, the gift of a pretty hair clip or a necklace does not contain any implicit criticism. Instead it is to accessorize her natural beauty, which implies you think she possesses said natural beauty. But as you say you may not get her taste right. In which case you could give her the gift along with the receipt and she can change it for one she does like. That might be acceptable, if she is forgiving of Aspie ways. Even if you got the wrong item, the emotional message is more or less right, assuming you do not deviate too far from her usual taste. Perhaps look at what she already owns and loves and look for common features, then extrapolate from there?

Do not buy a washing machine or a new vacuum cleaner as a gift unless specifically asked as this implies you see your wife as nothing more than a domestic servant. If you do something like this you must make it clear that you are doing this to reduce the time spent on boring things, thus increasing the time available to her to do things she does like doing, and that she should perceive the extra time as the gift.

I am assuming here that the wife is not an Aspie.

You wrote “It’s about effort expended by me to make my wife’s life easier.”

No, not to make her life easier. That is a practical way of looking at things. It is more of an emotional nurture thing. Maybe that is why the plant went down well, plants need nurturing, perhaps the gift of a plant signifies recognition of her nurturing abilities?

Romance is the reason for the kerfuffle over who pays for dinner early on in the dating process. Although both the man and the woman may be earning equally, the likelihood is that if all goes to plan and dating leads eventually to children, the woman will lose her earning power. Therefore by paying for dinner the man symbolically demonstrates that he can and will provide, so the woman knows it is OK to get pregnant by him.

I am a single Aspie woman, so it’s quite possible I have no clue what I am talking about.