Yes, I am shy and for the most part introverted, and yes, it is almost intrinsically intertwined with autism.

Indeed, shyness was one of my stock reasonings for why I was the way I was until Asperger’s came along and provided a much better and more encompassing fit for the way I am.

Like your friend, I typically don’t realise at the time when I’ve said the wrong thing to someone, unless they make it very clear in some way. What I do is replay the conversation later, and try to interpret it in a way that makes more sense to me. By doing this, I often realise that I have made some sort of faux pas or other – suddenly the responses used after a particular point in the conversation seem to have perspective that they didn’t at the time.

It is partly this realisation that I am quite likely to say something that isn’t acceptable that leads to me being sensitive about trying to say the right thing. It often makes no difference, however. I typically appear to lack subtlety, sensitivity and empathy. I don’t, of course, I just don’t always see how my words could be construed in this way until I have had time to replay them.

I feel terrible when I inadvertently upset someone due to having said the wrong thing.

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond to my comments. It is really helpful. I expect that you will learn great things in counseling that will change your life.

I can understand how your friend may not be able to handle conversation alongside anything else at the same time.

I find conversation difficult. It’s not the words, per se, it’s more the speaking of them. Well, actually, it is the words themselves too – depending on context.

I can talk about interests of mine relatively easily, although my speech can seem clunky and full of ums and ahs and stutters. The degree to which it is affected depends on how stressed or frazzled I am feeling.

Writing feels to be a much more natural and calm language to me.

Outside of the sphere of comfort afforded by my own interests, I find conversation to be much more difficult. Small talk is like a foreign language to me much of the time. The other person has to take the lead, and even then, I will often struggle to find a suitable reply. This struggle is to find the right sort of answer. A lot of the time, my answer is a stock one – I don’t have much by the way of social intuition, and expressing how I feel about something is almost impossible.

This search for a suitable answer requires brain power, and thus, to me at least, it is easy to see why your friend may not be able to concentrate on another task during a conversation with you that is outside of his comfort zone. I would be very similar.

A simple social conversation can seem like a job interview. None of the answers are obvious, and thus require real brain power to produce something that seems to fit.

As I’ve said elsewhere, I don’t have a problem feeling emotion or empathy. Indeed I often feel them very strongly. I do however have a great deal of trouble verbally expressing these feelings.

When I start talking, the emotion or the reasons for that emotion suddenly seem extraordinarily complex, and I struggle to find suitable words to match the feelings in my head. I also seem to have an in-built warning siren that tells me that however I describe it, it won’t be fully understood by the person I’m telling.

Perhaps the very reason that I find emotion difficult to express is that inside my head it isn’t represented by words, and I can’t translate the way it is represented into words.

Does that make sense?

Writing a blog is very helpful to me, as it helps me to describe what’s going on inside in a way that I (and other people) can understand from the outside. Somehow, it makes me more visible to myself, without all the camouflage I’m so used to carrying around. Looks like blogging helps you with the process as well!

I’ve grown up in an NT word, and until very recently have strived to be like everyone else. Thinking that my differences are ok and acceptable is quite counter-intuitive to me. I’m getting there though!

During quiet times I get very frustrated because people talk over me and don’t give me a chance to state my case. I think it’s because I’m so busy processing what they’re saying, I don’t have the chance to build a response.

But, people say I’m a great listener. Which is pretty cool.

I think sometimes I talk too much because I’m trying to rush the words out before the other person takes control of the conversation and relegates me to listener status again.

I can identify with the having nothing left part. And it’s okay to be quiet. Most people LOVE being listened to and don’t mind a bit if you’re quiet. It gives them more room to talk!

I’ve also found lately that when I’m out in the world, and feeling self-conscious about being quiet, people say unexpected things like, “Wow, you have such a peaceful presence, it’s so nice to be around you.” It’s a good reminder that in such a noisy world, people are reassured by someone who can be quiet. I’m beginning to see it as my secret Aspie strength.

Of course, I’m mostly quiet when I’m out and about. At home and online, I switch modes and I can be *very* talkative.